Online Contact Restrictions

"Please contact my master before sending me any messages or friend requests."

Anyone who has browsed through profiles on FetLife or similarly BDSM-oriented social networking and dating sites has undoubtedly seen some variation on the above, likely with an excess of both capitalization and exclamation points. Sometimes exemptions are noted for s-types and/or those of the female gender, and quite often one may find this request accompanied by a grammatically erroneous rant about strangers not showing the proper respect for the inefficient and arbitrarily chosen rules of a relationship that said strangers are not involved in. Every time that I encounter this I find myself wondering who decided that the account holder must include that typo-ridden bit in their profile, and why that deciding person decided that this was a rule worth making (and, presumably, enforcing). The entire thing strikes me as being horrendously ineffective and superfluous, and I have yet to encounter an explanation regarding its purpose that makes much sense to me.

One of the most commonly cited reasons for requiring people to contact an s-type's dominant, master, or owner prior to contacting the s-type is, "for protection." What is never elaborated upon is why protection of any sort is necessary when interacting with people online. Even the most intimidating and profane email is just an email. If its contents are unsettling delete, block, and report functions are always available, as is the option to log off and step away from the computer. One is not obligated to read or respond to every message received, after all, and any adult who is successfully using the internet should be aware of this by now. If an s-type truly needs to be protected from text on a computer screen, well...perhaps that s-type might be better off without a non-private profile on a widely used social networking site, eh? Furthermore, even if, for the sake of argument, it is assumed that protection from the meanies on the internet is necessary, is requiring strangers to jump through hoops to obtain permission to communicate with the oh-so-fragile s-type effective in providing that protection? Assholes will be assholes, and even bolded fonts cannot prevent that. If someone wishes to send Miss Fragile Subby a rude, threatening message they will not be dissuaded by a sentence that orders them to ask her dominant first. Alternatively, someone who desires to cause conflict and upset in Miss Fragile's life may opt to comply with these sorts of demands initially, only to show their meanie head colors once trust has been earned and information gained under the pretense of nice, respectful internet friend who follows the rules. In short, requesting that people on the internet contact Miss Fragile's dominant before contacting her will fail to eliminate both the harmless meanies and the legitimately problematic assholes, and it does not provide any protection that I can perceive.

Does Miss Fragile Subby's Facebook profile include a line about how Mr. Strong Dom would prefer that you contact him before sending her a message? Probably not, particularly if that Facebook profile is viewed by vanilla friends, family members, and coworkers. The vanillas wouldn't "get" it. On a site like FetLife, however, surely everyone would get it? Not so much. FetLife is not devoted solely to those involved in D/s, M/s, or O/p relationships. It is a site for kinksters of all stripes, including those who are utterly unfamiliar with and uninterested in power exchange relationships and the trappings that commonly accompany those sorts of relationships. The masochist who merely enjoys a sound beating from time to time may not understand your M/s relationship or the restrictive rules and requirements that surround it, nor should the masochist be expected to. Demanding that someone outside of your relationship adhere to and abide by the rules and restrictions of your relationship is inappropriate, in my opinion, and arrogant to boot. Requiring a stranger to obtain permission from Mr. Strong Dom before speaking to Miss Fragile is essentially requiring a stranger to actively submit to Mr. Strong and his decrees. I am baffled by how many people expect this active submission from virtual strangers, and I am still more baffled at the high level of umbrage taken when a stranger does not submit.

What I find to be the most inexplicable aspect of the whole 'ask my master if you can message me' nonsense is the sheer inefficiency of it. Sure, I could message Mr. Strong Dom to ask for his blessing and permission to speak with the precious Miss Fragile, wait a few hours to a few weeks for his response, and then, if the response is favorable, send a message to Miss Fragile herself and wait another several hours to weeks to hear back from her, but the entire process is rather drawn out and cumbersome if I simply want to ask a question or compliment something that she posted. If Mr. Strong put those brain cells to work, however, he might realize that the whole clumsy ordeal could mitigated significantly with only minor alterations. He could retract his requirement that people wanting to communicate with his precious obtain his permission first, and instead implement a rule that Miss Fragile is responsible for notifying him of any correspondence received. This would allow Mr. Strong to continue screening Miss Fragile's contacts and "protecting" her from the meanies, while also transferring the onus of Miss Fragile's restrictions to Miss Fragile alone, eliminating any demands of submission or hoop jumping from strangers, and drastically simplifying the process for all involved. Granting himself unfettered access to Miss Fragile's various accounts would serve the same purpose, and would simplify the process even further.

People are welcome to do as they like, of course. If your dominant wishes to have people seek his permission before they contact you, or if your slave is required to ignore any correspondence not authorized by you in advance, that is your business. If the both of you are content with this, so be it. That said, I do hope that the extent of the implications of rules of this nature are fully understood. I am interested in hearing from those who disagree with my opinions on this topic should anyone care to respond.

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Hobbled

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Jiri Ruzek

Pony Girl

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What Are You Reading?

I learned to read at a young age, and I have been devouring books, magazines, newspapers, pamphlets, cereal boxes, whatever I can get my hands on, ever since. Discovering the internet and, subsequently, blogs, was momentous for me. Personal blogs provide a unique, intriguing, and often enlightening snapshot in to the lives, experiences, and perspectives of others. In the process of shaping various aspects of my life, including the pursuit of what M and I have deemed our ideal relationship, I have found them to play an almost indispensable role.

As of late I find myself seeking out the blogs of those involved in relationships similar to my own with increasing frequency, and I am curious what those who read my blog are reading and would recommend. What are your favorite D/s, M/s, or O/p oriented personal blogs? Do you have one of your own?

Howard Chandler Christy, Nude Woman Reading

Chained Torso

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Mikhail Nekrasov

I've Joined Twitter

You're welcome to follow me.

There will be nudity.

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Media Militia

Loud Noises

My family is loud. Despite being partially deaf in both ears, I associate noise with my family more than anything else. My mother is one of those people whose normal speaking voice sounds like most people's raised voices. Her raised voice is roughly equivalent to a shout, and her shouts are nothing short of thunderous. She is quick to yell, whether very upset or not at all, sprinkling 'fucks,' 'shitheads,' and 'assholes' liberally throughout her speech. This sets the tone for the rest of the household; even the dogs talk back at my parents' house. The four of us kids learned quickly that the only surefire way to get noticed in our busy, noisy, chaotic home was to be louder than the rest. Consequently, I do not perceive shouting and cursing as being inherently indicative of anger or some other upset, nor do I assume that someone yelling at me is necessarily upset with me. When someone says, "fuck off," I do not always immediately conclude that they actually want me to fuck off, because I often use the same phrase to express a variety of other sentiments, including acquiescing to M. M, for his part, understands that, "fuck off," does not inevitably carry with it disrespect, vitriol, or anything of that sort, and he reacts accordingly (read: by nodding in agreement and telling me to bend over). That being said, he is unimpressed by hearing curses fly from my mouth when I am incensed with something pertaining to him, regardless of how many times I can say 'fuck' in a single breath. In our recent discussions about modifying the manner in which we deal with conflict between us, M has made noises about making me choose either just yelling or just cursing per a single argument or fight (sometimes he really cramps my style). He has also made noises about requiring all my yelling or cursing be done from a kneeling position, but that is far from finalized, so we will see.

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Wandeclayt M., Submission I

Hooked

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Breast Bondage

Breast bondage rarely appeals to me. I dislike the usual style of it, lengths of rope twisted tightly around the circumference of a woman's tits, causing them to bulge and swell. It is almost painful to look upon. This, however, appeals.

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Mikhail Nekrasov

Want

I want a girl to flog too...

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Stripes

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Miss Red

Time

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Fetish Fashion Shoot

Styled by Karl Templer, this spread for Interview Magazine features pieces from Vuitton, McQueen, Armani, Calvin Klein, Yves Saint Laurent, and Stella McCartney, among others, including leather harnesses from Zana Bayne.

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Marcus Piggott, Mert Alas

How Do You Handle Conflict In Your D/s, M/s, or O/p Relationships?

M and I handle conflicts a variety of ways, dependent upon a multitude of ever variable factors. Sometimes it involves calm, rational discussion, sometimes shouts and tears, but regardless of how conflict is resolved I find that, by the conclusion, I feel as though I have lost hold of that "owned" mindset that seems to be so crucial to my ability to submit to M. 

When M and I made the decision to incorporate an ongoing D/s dynamic in to our existing relationship there was a great deal of discussion and experimentation with different rules, protocols, and the like. The primary purpose of most of those things was to help me maintain a relatively submissive mindset despite my very unsubmissive personality. For the most part M and I have become proficient in maintaining that mindset, even as we progress to a more M/s or O/p style dynamic, but this is not the case during and after moderate to extreme conflict, even after the conflict has been resolved. This is especially true when the conflict arises in response to an issue that I have regarding M. There is little doubt that this is due to us essentially sidelining the M/s dynamic temporarily, though not explicitly, while dealing with conflict between us. When we began our initial discussions and negotiations regarding what would be expected with the addition of a D/s dynamic we failed to address conflict situations. We were kept busy with other, more easily dealt with aspects of the relationship and it seemed risky to also alter our manner of dealing with interpersonal conflict at the same time. We are now long overdue to establish a method of fighting and arguing without kinda-sorta-but-not-really putting the M/s dynamic aside, and the prospect of working out the logistics of this are daunting. We are working on coming up with our own solutions at present, but I have been struggling to come up with seemingly feasible options.

I am very interested in hearing whatever input readers might have, whether it is specific to my current situation or simply an explanation of how such things are handled within your relationships, past or present. 

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Stealing Husbands

So...I'm browsing FetLife, checking out different groups and such. I stumble upon one that is geared specifically for women who are in relationships with married men. I'm an idiot...Let's just get that out of the way here...I accidentally joined the group, thus notifying everyone on my friends list I am a husband thief. Oops.

Secured

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Marcus J. Ranum