Girl Deviante

Crazy

2012-02-22T17:34:00.002-08:00

When those whom I love inadvertently cause me pain or offense I am usually able to forgive and move past it readily enough, provided only that they apologize sincerely and assure me that their mistake was unintentional and that they will strive to prevent similar blunders in the future. When M inadvertently causes me pain or offense I find it very, very difficult to move past it, even if I am able to forgive him. It has not always been so, but ever since it was established that M was to assume leadership of the both of us my ability to quickly get over his mistakes has diminished greatly. What I once might have viewed as a mere lapse in judgement on his part I now see as a potential indication that my trust in his authority is misplaced.

During M's lunch break on Monday there arose a slight misunderstanding between the two of us, which occurred when I incorrectly interpreted some of his words to me and the tone that they were spoken in. I soon realized my error, but by that time related insecurities of my own had surfaced and they had become quite overwhelming. When M returned to work I was highly emotional despite no longer being upset with him. Still emotionally overwrought when M came home that evening, I floundered to express the source of my despondency when asked to do so, increasing my frustration, and eventually I stormed from the room that we were in. M, also frustrated by my inability to articulate myself and baffled by my teary demonstration, muttered loudly about how, "crazy," I was being.

Having had a veritable alphabet soup of mental diagnoses flung my way over the past couple of years, being referred to as 'insane' or 'crazy' is particularly painful for me. Words such as these touch upon my greatest fears, my deepest insecurities, and those aspects of myself that I most loathe. To hear the single most important person in my life, a man whose judgement I trust more than my own, declare that I am, in fact, what I am so terrified of becoming inflicts upon me an abysmal hurt that reverberates through my core. That M was well aware of this, that I had repeatedly told him how much those words pained me, that I had requested numerous times that he not use them carelessly, and that he had sworn to never again tell me that I am crazy only amplifies the hurt, worsening it somehow, and I am left questioning how I can trust him to refrain from heedlessly using those words again.

It has been nearly forty-eight hours since M said I was crazy, and still I shake with rage, hurt, and disappointment when I recall it. I don't know that I have ever been so angry with M for so long. The forgiveness that usually comes easily seems inaccessible to me. I know that the word slipped out, unbidden. M did not call me 'crazy' intentionally, nor does he actually think that I am crazy. The word was said without meaning or malice. It was purely thoughtlessly, insensitively uttered in the moment. He has assured me that these things are true, repeatedly. Regardless, trust has been lost, and in large quantities, for if I cannot have faith in M's ability to keep a promise that is of great importance to me how can I trust him fully in other respects?

Image Source

Obey

2012-02-20T17:44:00.000-08:00

"You should obey me," he says. "You should listen to me, do what I want."

My eyes meet his, searching, questioning. Does he mean it? I agreed to be his, want to be his, but I have never agreed to obey. Could I obey, even if I endeavored to?

The words are out of my mouth before I realize it. "I'll do it. I think I can do it. I can try." I wish that I could take them back. I don't trust myself to live up to them.

Obedience is not required of me, nor has it ever been. Always the possibility existed that it might be, at some point in the future, but such a time seemed so far in the distance that I gave only idle thought to it. M had, after all, unequivocally declared that above all else he wanted honesty and genuineness in my behaviors. He was vehement in his assertion, made not long after the two of us restructured our preexisting relationship in to something that resembles its present state, that he preferred me to react and respond truthfully to him. Docile, smiling compliance was desired only when it came naturally. When it did not, when I wanted to scowl and protest and complain, M wished me to commence with all three, no matter how much grumbling, whining, or crying might be involved. He thought it would be better for us, easier for him to know my mind than if I learned to keep such things concealed behind a facade of cheerful obedience, and easier for me to bear my newly subordinate position than if I was expected to mask the difficulties of it. Even outright refusal and resistance, it was made clear, were preferable to the pretense of willing concession.

I am not entirely incapable of obedience. I do not flout every request made of me. At times I take orders readily and agreeably. Though the first months after the aforementioned restructuring of M's and my relationship were rife with stubborn defiance and mutinous unruliness, I have long since learned that M will counter with painful reprovals when he has tired of my recalcitrance. My displays of disobedience are now often tempered with humor or coquet, or swiftly followed up with acquiescence, allowing me to escape severe punishment most of the time. There are moments of temerity still, occasions when emotions overwhelm thought and lead to an arduous conclusion at M's hands, but these become increasingly infrequent with time. Perhaps someday they will peter out altogether, but I would not be so rash as to suggest that that day will come any time soon, and the idea of doing away with all vestiges of disobedience is simply ludicrous to my mind. I am M's hellion, his spitfire, his imp, his devil of a girl. Shedding these traits seems no more likely than growing six inches and two cup sizes overnight.

He smiles. His eyes are soft as he caresses my face, fingers grazing my cheekbones, tracing the line of my jaw. "You be you," he says. "Whatever that means."

And so I remain, disobedient and demonic as ever, even as I obey.

Image Source
Barry Goyette, Erika Tschirhart

Too Little Time

2012-02-04T16:58:00.000-08:00

Yet another week passes without a proper blog entry, as M continues monopolizing my time whenever he can, which is often, and, when he is unable to do so, I begin preparing for midterm exams. There are topics, two or three of them, and words, many of them, clattering within my skull, but I simply do not have the time to type them all out. All is well enough, and I hope to get back to blogging regularly within a week or so.

Everyone's favorite phone-thrower, Naomi Campbell, shot by Alas and Piggott for Vogue Russia.

Image Source
Mert Alas, Marcus Piggott, Naomi Campbell

Pleasurists: Edition 166

2012-01-30T15:18:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Epiphora*
Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.
Did you miss Pleasurists 165? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 167? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday February 5th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

*Pleasurists recently started accepting photo submissions for the art at the top of editions! For more information click here.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Shiny twisty swanky glass dildo giveaway! Deadline: February 1st @ 11:59pm Eastern.
Dildo Giveaway! Deadline: February 1st.
Eden Fantasys $25 Giveaway! Deadline: February 2nd.
Giveaway Contest – The Heeldo Deadline: February 2nd.
FunWares Valentine’s Giveaway Deadline: February 4th.
Anniversary Giveaway Deadline: February 6th @ 12:01am Eastern.
Giveaway: Onye Gallerie Petite Deadline: February 8th.
Heart Wand Glass Dildo Giveaway Deadline: February 8th.
DreamGirl Mesh Panty Giveaway Deadline: February 14th.
Love is in the Air! Deadline: February 15th.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

Dildos

Anal Toys

Crystal Twist Mini Plug by True Pleasures

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

Tenga 3D Spiral by LucyLemonade

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

BDSM/Fetish

Adult Books/Games

Adult DVDs & Porn

Lingerie

Miscellaneous

Review: Doc Johnson's Black Magic 7" Ribbed Vibe

2012-01-25T18:43:00.000-08:00

Ubiquitous sex toy manufacturer Doc Johnson's 7" Ribbed Vibe, a product from the Black Magic collection that features inexpensive archetypal vibrators, has much to recommend it. Falling somewhere between a vibrator and a beaded probe, the 7" Ribbed Vibe is designed in a manner that allows it to be comfortably utilized for a number of different purposes, no matter if it is one's first vibrator or their fortieth.

Material

Type: Plastic
Texture: Smooth, hard, and somewhat velvety
Features: Non-porous, void of latex and phthalates, tasteless and odor-free
Care: Wash with hot water and antibacterial soap or wipe clean with isopropyl alcohol; compatible with oil, water, and silicone-based lubricants

Design

Size: 7.5 in/19.05 cm in length, 6.5 in/16.51 cm insertable length; circumference at widest point is 5 in/12.7 cm, circumference at narrowest point is 2.25 in/6.35 cm; weighs approximately 4.9 oz
Shape: Phallic, consists of five graduated globose bulbs, the last of which tapers to a rounded point
Color: Black
Aesthetics: Simple, non-realistic

Doc Johnson's 7" Ribbed Vibe is a very rigid non-porous and hypoallergenic plastic vibrator with a smooth, mildly velvety texture. A slight seam runs along both sides of its insertable length of 6.5 inches, but is scarcely noticeable except in two or three spots and is not pronounced enough to increase stimulation or to hinder cleaning. The 7" Ribbed Vibe is simply designed and consists of five globular bulbs stacked atop one another, each separated from the neighboring bulbs by a distinct narrowing. The orb nearest the base of the vibrator measures 5 inches in circumference and the orb above it measures 4.5 inches. The middle orb has a circumference of 4 inches, while the orb above that one measures 3.5 inches around. The spherule at the end of the vibrator tapers to a rounded point and measures, at its widest, 3 inches in circumference. The narrow "waists" between each of these globules measure approximately 3.5 inches, 3 inches, 2.5 inches, and 2.25 inches in circumference, respectively, from bottom to top.

Functions & Features

Controls: Dial-control at the base
Power Source: One AA battery
Features: Vibrating; multispeed, quiet, waterproof, limited g-spot stimulation

Powered by a single AA battery, the waterproof 7" Ribbed Vibe provides quiet, multispeed vibrations of light to moderate intensity that are controlled by a dial at the base of the toy. Turning the dial counterclockwise turns the vibrator on and increases the intensity of its vibrations, while twisting the dial clockwise decreases the vibration intensity and, ultimately, turns the toy off. The dial control is irregular, and twisting it 180 degrees counterclockwise from the off position may or may not be sufficient to turn the vibrator on. The motor contained within the 7" Ribbed Vibe provides consistent vibrations only through the more slender end of its shaft, and their intensity gradually decreases nearer the base. This vibrator's "ribbed" design emulates that of many kegel exercisers and similarly beaded toys, particularly graduated anal probes, while the nodule at the end is well-suited to stimulating the g-spot and other targeted locations.

Performance & Value

The 7" Ribbed Vibe from Doc Johnson's Black Magic line is one the most versatile sex toys that I have used. Its gently curved point penetrates easily, vaginally or anally, and has just enough breadth to to deliver targeted vibrations to either the clitoris or the g-spot. The three knobs located at the insertable end of the 7" Ribbed Vibe are slim, manageable for even the most sexually inexperienced and/or narrow-anatomied among us, and easily angled and maneuvered while inserted, and the knobs near the base offer a bit more girth for those who desire it. This vibrator's "ribbed" design allows it to be utilized in the same manner as many kegel exercisers, probes, and similarly beaded toys, whether used anally or vaginally, and the soft, velvety bumps and divots conform nicely to various parts of the body when used externally. Unfortunately, for all of its potential uses and pleasingly functional design, the 7" Ribbed Vibe falls short in some substantial ways.

At its most powerful the 7" Ribbed Vibe is capable of bringing me to orgasm quickly with targeted clitoral and g-spot stimulation, but only when using the knobs at its insertable end. These two knobs at the tip issue vibrations of moderate intensity when the vibrator is turned on high, but that intensity diminishes considerably further down the shaft. The vibrations felt in the knob nearest the base of the vibrator are almost nonexistent. Furthermore, the dial control of the 7" Ribbed Vibe is highly inconsistent. At times it must be twisted as far as possible before the vibrator will turn on, while at other times the vibrator turns on with a half of a twist of the dial, and when turning the vibrator on there is occasionally a stuttering of the vibrations before they become regular. In addition, little effort is required to turn the dial, so extra care must be taken to avoid inadvertently leaving the vibrator turned on slightly, a surefire way to drain the battery.

Doc Johnson's 7" Ribbed Vibe has failed to earn a place among my most favored vibrators, but were its vibrations stronger and/or more consistent down the entirety of its shaft (two AA batteries instead of one would have made a world of difference here) it might not have. Regardless, despite this deficiency and the poorly designed dial control, I believe that the 7" Ribbed Vibe from Doc Johnson's Black Magic line is a worthwhile purchase for most. It retails for under fifteen dollars and offers great versatility as a waterproof dildo, kegel exerciser, graduated probe, and targeted vibrator, and it could be particularly useful for those who are in the process of figuring out what types of sex toys work for their bodies and which features are most important to them. I intend to keep an eye out for similarly designed vibrators that provide more robust vibrations, but in the meantime I am confident that the 7" Ribbed Vibe will see much use.

This product was provided to me free of charge by Eden Fantasys in exchange for an unbiased review.

Image Source

Bondage Inspired

2012-01-24T03:00:00.000-08:00

Abbey Lee Kershar, donning a strict leather harness and ankle cuffs, was featured in a, "bondage inspired," spread for Vogue Russia. More from this shoot may be found via image source.

Image Source
Hedi Slimane, Abbey Lee Kershar

Leather & Metal

2012-01-20T06:00:00.000-08:00

These images, from a series styled by Adia Trischler, showcase the work of previously featured Una Burke. View more via image source.

Image Source
Andreas Waldschuetz, Stefan Sappert, Kamila

Painted

2012-01-19T01:00:00.000-08:00

Image Source

Kudo Latex

2012-01-18T18:56:00.000-08:00

A few of designer Atsuko Kudo's latex creations were photographed by David Standish for Contributing Editor. Additional images from this shoot are available via image source link.

Image Source
David Standish, Georgia Frost

Slaps, Cuffs, & Such

2012-01-18T17:02:00.000-08:00

As regular readers may have noted, I have not been blogging with the same frequency as of late in comparison to previous months. A new semester began two weeks ago and my courses, though primarily online, have kept me occupied with an abundance of busy work. Only in the last few days have I felt myself to be fully accustomed to the various programs and software that are utilized, and I have just begun to settle in to the new routine. In addition, now that the holidays have passed M's job requires far fewer hours than it did during the months of November and December, meaning that much more of my time is spent in his company. It is no longer necessary for him to remain at work until well after closing, nor must he go in on any of his days off, and he now has much, much more time and energy to devote to me.

During these last few weeks I have found myself buckled in to my leather cuffs quite often. Last night, soon after M returned home after work, my ankles were fettered with a length of chain of approximately six inches or so, the ends of which were locked to the rings of my left and right cuffs. This prevented me from being able to walk normally, forcing me instead to adopt a sort of shuffling half stride that M was highly amused by. More than once I altogether forgot that my ankles were bound so, only to be firmly and humiliatingly reminded when the chain brought me up short. The evening prior I merely had to contend with a single cuff upon my left wrist that was affixed to a leather leash that M kept in hand. Other recent nights have seen me cuffed but otherwise unrestrained, or collared and leashed at M's side. Restraints of this nature, though occasionally momentarily aggravating or inconvenient, are quite enjoyed by me.

These past weeks have borne witness to a sharp increase in violence. M has been in a particularly slap-happy mood, and not the sort of slap-happy that transpires when one is in need of sleep or has indulged in too much sugar. No, this is the sort of slap-happy that leaves behind stinging welts and the outline of M's hands traced upon my flesh in scarlet. I am no innocent, of course. Many of M's strikes were the result of taunting on my part, and ~~most~~ all were returned with strikes of my own. Small fists have fallen upon M's stomach, arms, thighs, and back. Kicks have landed on his shins, his ass, and, once or twice, directly upon his crotch (oh, how soundly my ass was beaten then!). In short, M and I have been making the most of our time together and I am a thoroughly satisfied girl at present.

Image Source
Image Source
Solus Photography, Arkandia

Blonde

2012-01-16T17:41:00.000-08:00

These images, styled by Yann Weber for Antidote Magazine, are, naturally enough, from a Madonna-inspired shoot by photographer Giampaolo Sgura. More images can be found via source link.

Image Source
Giampaolo Sgura, Constance Jablonski

e[lust] #32

2012-01-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

Photo courtesy of Lady Grinning Soul

Welcome to e[lust], the sex blog round-up- The best posts from the hottest and smartest sex bloggers all in one place! This edition highlights topics such as libido, fake orgasms, teenage lust, voyeurism, BDSM consent and so much more. Want to be included in e[lust] #33? Start with the rules, come back in February to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ The Top Three Posts ~

Assent Matters by SherynB – Find your emotional power to recognize and say “no” to what you don’t want BEFORE you get naked and tied up and give up your actual physical power to walk away to anybody.

Forever The Night – ‘Why the hell shouldn’t I listen? This is my home, my bedroom after all’. So I do listen and I do feel myself twitch at every minute sound on the other side of that fucking wall.

Hands. Fingers. Pleasure. – This was the first time a boy’s fingers had such unfettered access to my pussy. Prior gropings under and through clothes had never been like this.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

The Fake Orgasm: You think you know, but you have no idea – I am 34 and I have faked orgasms. There ya have it. But I have never and will never qualify doing so as “I did it for him”.

~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

Sadie Says… Awake – In the haze of my missing libido I also lost myself. I began to wonder if I remembered who the hell I was?

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Kink & Fetish

Connection, Intimacy & Trust
DQ Earns a Pass from Chasity
Five Little Words
Naked and kinky in a busy sex shop
Sharp Tongues and Good Pain
Sexual violence
The Duke Story
‘Twas the Night Before Kinky
The Pink Elephant
Who I Am
Who Are You to Change Us?
Waking You

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Busy Writing
Help! My Vibrator Won’t Work
Men and Visual Stimulation
Slippery and sticky and covered in lube
The Safe Zone – Giving Yourself Permission To Screw Up in Non-Monogamy
Until Death Do Us Part

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Interview With Senior Sexuality Advocate Joan Price

Erotic Writing

21
A Read to Remember
Aurelia (A Dirty Kind Of Grace part 1)
A Fistful
banana bread
Christmas Day
Last night in Cap D’Adge
Later On In The Evening
Meat Hooks & Butcher’s Twine
Reside
Sugarbutch Star: blckndblue, The Pink Dress
she and he and me…
Surprise Orgasm
wind

Carcass

2012-01-13T16:18:00.000-08:00

This is a conceptual collection of wearable art pieces, depicting a series of eight human gestures associated with the cause, the physical and psychological effect and the healing stages of human trauma. Sculptural forms are created around the shape of the contorted female body. A number of pieces are reminiscent of prosthetics and medical braces. This signifies the potential for healing within the boundaries of something which inhibits the body.

Carcass-like in form, each piece is hand crafted from vegetable tanned leather, resulting in a colour indicative of human flesh. They have been produced to be viewed as contemplation artefacts observed in the environment of the gallery and they can be used as fashion accessories when broken down into sections, such as arm pieces, leg pieces, head or neck pieces and shoulder pieces. They could be combined with other garments in flowing fabrics which would create beautiful contrasts with the structured forms of these pieces.

Image Source
Una Burke

Red

2012-01-07T14:45:00.000-08:00

Image Source
Repent, Ami Amnesia

The Disadvantages of Consistency and the Advantages of Inconsistency

2012-01-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

When listing the qualities that an owner "should" possess many tout consistency as being imperative, or at least nearly so. Not so long ago I might have concurred with this viewpoint, but, having had the experience of being owned by a man who has experimented with both consistent domination and decidedly inconsistent domination, I now see merit in both styles. I suspect that a more consistent form of domination would be ideal for a majority of slavey-sorts within the context of most relationships, particularly at the onset of said relationships, but I think many would fare well, and perhaps even flourish, under a somewhat unpredictable owner.

There are numerous obvious advantages to being ruled by a markedly consistent owner (advantages that have been rehashed often enough that I don't think it necessary to go in to them here), but there are potential drawbacks, as well. A consistent owner may, for example, become predictable in time. This predictability is no doubt welcomed by many, but others, myself included, may find that they function better within their relationships when there is the possibility of erratic or unanticipated behaviors and reactions from their owners. That that possibility is always present keeps me on my toes and prevents me from becoming too indolently comfortable in my relationship with M. An unpredictable owner is also more likely to inspire apprehension, unease, or fear from me. These feelings are undesirable to many, but I and others find them exciting, enjoyable, and arousing, and they aid in instilling in me a certain type of respect for M. Additionally, a consistent owner is more easily fucked with. Once his or her expectations, rules, and the like have been clearly detailed and made largely immutable the owned half of the equation, if inclined towards impish behavior, can readily ascertain just how far their predictably consistent owner may be pushed in any given direction before it becomes dangerous to continue pushing. When the prescribed boundaries are distinctly visible and unmoving it is a simple matter to toe the line while avoiding punishment, but when toeing an uncertain and inconstant line one must be deft and perceptive, as there is greater risk in venturing too close to it, especially given the possibility that that line might abruptly jump somewhere much further back than where it was initially judged to be.

I would not say that I am better behaved when M is inconsistent in how he exercises his dominance over me, but I am more thoughtful in regard to when I misbehave, how I do so, and to what extent. In absence of sharply defined rules and whatnot I find that I pay closer attention to M's moods and preferences and I make an increased effort to remain attuned to them. Failure to do so can be detrimental to me, and in volatile and unforeseen ways. For those of us who are liable to be fiendishly puckish at times, a bit of unpredictability from our owners goes a long way in keeping us from going too far with our mischief for their liking or our well-being.

Image Source
Tom & K

Light

2012-01-04T15:37:00.000-08:00

Image Source
Mastertouch Studios, Meluxine

Solitude

2012-01-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

I am a solitary girl, happiest and healthiest when left to my own thoughts and devices. To be with others, even well-loved others who are entirely enjoyable to be around, drains me with surprising quickness (M being the single exception). The only way to truly and fully recover when sapped of emotional energy is to mire myself in quiet, serene aloneness. In another life I was surely a recluse, and in this one I think I am as near as one can be to a hermitic existence while living in a large city and depending heavily upon Starbucks beverages.

M is not so asocial as I am, but he is not what you would call a social creature, either. Like me, M is primarily a homebody, preferring the calm, comfortable, private solitude that our home provides. As such, social excursions are usually infrequent and of limited duration, and there is a tendency to discourage visitors, those of the drop-in sort in particular. I am highly sensitive to perceived disturbances to the sanctuary that our home is to me, you see, and an unanticipated and unwelcome visitor might leave me feeling uneasy for several days. In addition, M and I are highly selfish with our time and our privacy. We spend the majority of our shared time at home, alone, just the two of us, concealed behind locked doors and shaded windows, where we have the freedom to do as we like. There is no need to censor our words or behaviors, no need to ensure that we are decently clothed, and no need to concern ourselves with hiding away our more personal effects, from leather cuffs and implements of torture to menstrual cups and illicit substances. M can smack, strip, or fuck me at will. I am able to be myself, hyperactively silly and animated, providing endless entertainment for M. Shut off from the world we can focus on one another and nothing else.

Many would grow restless and querulous spending as much time in isolation as M and I do, but we prize our seclusion, cherishing and defending it from a myriad of intrusions and interlopers. Our relationship does not suffer from what would be to some suffocating, but instead thrives, bringing the both of us increased happiness and satisfaction in our relationship and our lives.

Image Source
Solus Photography, Arkandia, Michael Cooney

Spider's Web

2012-01-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

Image Source
Tomasz Gorny

Daddy/girl

2011-12-23T11:07:00.000-08:00

Within M's and my relationship there are elements of a Daddy/girl dynamic. We do not engage in age play or anything of that sort, and, truth be told, the notion is enough to squick me out. Due to how often and how closely age play is associated with the D/g dynamic, it is one that I am typically hesitant to publicly identify with for fear of conveying an incorrect impression of either of us or our relationship. Regardless, there is no doubt that it is a dynamic that figures strongly in to said relationship.

M is the head of our household, in virtually every sense of the term. He makes the money, decides when and how it is spent, and has the final say on anything and everything that concerns us, jointly or separately. M is also a caretaker at heart. He derives pleasure from taking care of me and my needs. He takes pride in his ability to provide for us and he likes having me dependent upon him. Managing our lives gives M a distinct sense of purpose in an arena that he excels in, which results in increased confidence, satisfaction, and, ultimately, happiness.

Though I am perfectly capable of running my own life, having done so adequately enough in the past, I am substantially more blithe when I do not have to. Relinquishing control over the more difficult and/or mundane aspects of adulthood ensures that my OCD is more easily managed and less frequently triggered, and it has allowed me to more fully embrace what some would refer to as my inner child. I am free to be silly and frivolous when I please (which is often), unburdened by the demands and the decisions that I would otherwise be continually mulling and stressing over. This, in turn, allows me to be a better, happier, healthier, more attentive, creative, and engaging companion for M. He is amused by my often childish antics, and they serve as a generally pleasing diversion from his responsibilities. My hijinks keep him entertained and in good humor, and they keep me mirthful and energized.

I often call M 'daddy.' It is, to me, an honorary title that he has earned, much like 'master.' Only someone who has proven their ability to take on the responsibilities that M has and who has shown their absolute, almost unconditional devotion to doing so could inspire me to refer to them in this way. 'Girl' and 'babygirl' are the most commonly seen counterparts to 'daddy,' and M has referred to me by both for nearly as long as we have been dating, though he does use both terms more frequently these days.

M is a provider, a caretaker, and a source of support, reassurance, and unwavering love. I feel very fortunate to have him in my life, and more fortunate still to be his girl. Only four years ago I could not have imagined ever calling a man 'daddy,' but now nothing seems more natural.

Image Source
Rihanna

Mine

2011-12-21T16:12:00.000-08:00

Last night M mentioned that as time passes he finds himself viewing me as being his with much more frequency and to a greater extent. These feelings of increased ownership of me closely mirror my own gradually evolving perceptions of myself as belonging to him. These transitions are a bit disconcerting, particularly when I consider the couple that we once were, years ago, when we had only just begun seeing one another.

When M and I met I had very little experience being in romantic relationships with partners whom I truly and deeply cared for. I attempted to build a relationship with one such person, and it crashed and burned miserably, so for several years I studiously and purposefully avoided becoming so entangled again. During that time I developed strong feelings for two people, but for the most part I kept those feelings to myself, allowing only an on and off friends-with-benefits sort of relationship to transpire with the one and a close but platonic friendship with the other. I kept myself occupied with a long series of short-lived flings and flirtations, all of which were largely controlled by me, from their beginnings to their inevitable ends. These relationships, if you can call them that, provided me with attention, gifts, entertainment, and the like, but were easily set aside in favor of friends, family, schoolwork, and whatever else. I never invested anything substantial in them, and I made it known that it was my way or the highway. Shortly after graduating from high school I attempted to forge a somewhat serious, committed relationship, but, like the first, it too ended in flames and hurt, and I quickly went back to my roving ways. It was not long after that M and I met, and our relationship began much the same as my more fleeting relationships did. Initially, I did not think he would be capable of dealing with me in the long term and I believed that within a matter of months I would move on, as was my way. Somehow or another, that did not happen.

During the first year or so that M and I were seeing one another our friends and family members made a number of jokes about me wearing the pants, him being pussy-whipped, and so on. Truthfully, they weren't far off the mark. I was a domineering little bitch, used to having my every whim and desire attended to, and M was a bit insecure, feeling that he had somehow landed a girl that might be out of his league. As time went by, however, M's confidence grew and I learned that I could trust someone else to take control of things, which allowed me to mellow out somewhat and get used to riding in the passenger's seat for a change. The introduction of a D/s dynamic only emphasized and furthered these developments, and ultimately led us to where we are today.

Image Source
Solus Photography, Alex B, Michael Cooney

Hair

2011-12-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

Image Source
Solus Photography, Pussy Willow

Meat Hooks & Butcher's Twine

2011-12-20T15:25:00.000-08:00

I was getting restless. We had been there, in the small, humid back room where M spends his work days, for well over an hour. I had watched as M, clad in a white shop coat and a long, slick rubber apron, pulled rack after rack of turkey breasts from tall, cavernous smokers, then stacked them with gloved hands, one by one, before dragging the whole lot in to the freezer. I had managed to distract him from this task momentarily. My jeans had been yanked down and my legs roughly parted so that he could plunge himself in to me once, twice, three times, and then I was dismissed, told to let him do his work, promised that he would finish with me later. I had wandered through the labyrinth of interconnected rooms; here was where M's work wives made him sandwiches and prepared various deli salads and such for sale, here was the break room, where an insert from the newspaper lay upon the table, its headline promising to help in finding the holiday spirit while on the job, and here was one of the refrigerated rooms, the one in which M had jokingly promised to string me up with a meat hook and butcher's twine. I meandered back the way that I had come, past the shelves full of dry goods, rows of spices and herbs, piles of packaged pasta, columns of cans filled with beans and olives, past the cold rooms where sausages and hams hung from the ceiling, and in to the sweltering cave of concrete and rusted metal where M was still working. He was refilling the racks now, pulling turkeys and hams from great vats of brine and lining them up inside the smokers.

"I'm just about done, babe," he informed me, glancing up as I entered. "You ready to get out of here?"

I watched as M checked the settings, ensuring that the carefully placed meats would be smoked correctly over night, that they would be ready to be unloaded first thing the following Monday morning, less than twelve hours from now, given how early he had been going in as of late. I watched as he grabbed a pair of scissors and a large, conical skein of twine. I saw him gesture at me to follow him, saw his lips mouthing words that I could not hear over the din of the roaring smokers as he turned towards that refrigerated room.

Twine was hastily wrapped around my wrists, binding them together carelessly, the thread cutting sharply in to the skin. My hands were jerked upwards, hoisted over my head by the biting twine as it was looped and knotted around the metal hooks affixed to the ceiling. Rough hands moved over my body, squeezing and caressing possessively. Again, the tight denim that I wore was pulled to my knees. My shirt was pushed up, out of the way, and fingers tugged at my hardened nipples. A wave of goosebumps rippled across my exposed flesh. Hot whispers in my ear assured me that I wanted it, that a slut like me always wants it. I shivered. The fingers moved to my cunt, prodding between the slick folds, callouses scraping over my throbbing clit. My elbows and wrists nagged at me for release, to be lowered. The fingers pressed further in to the heat of my pussy, causing me to cry out, distracting me from the pain and the cold. His body pressed closer to me from behind and I felt the smooth hardness of a cock against my ass. It slid easily between my inner thighs, the damp of my cunt aiding its passage. I heard moaning, panting, and with a start I realized it was me. Now the cock was thrust upwards, jutting viciously inside of me while the fingers continued pinching and rubbing my clit vigorously. My pussy stretched, but the cock entered me too quickly, too forcefully. I could feel the minuscule tears as they occurred, but I no longer felt pain. Then, suddenly, I was empty. The head of the cock was dragged across my cunt. It poked between the cleft of my ass, seeking the tight hole there, lining up with it, preparing to push its way in. I was squealing now, as the tip of the cock was thrust through the unyielding entrance. It withdrew. I could feel him jerking himself, his hand essentially a fist that slammed against my pussy with every rapid stroke, the head of his cock still probing for my holes. I felt him shudder behind me, pulling me close with one arm, leaning on me for support as he emptied his cum on my ass, my cunt, my thighs. It ran down my legs, cooling quickly as it puddled in the jeans around my ankles. The aching of my arms, of my sex, came swimming back. I watched as he sauntered through the door in front me, smirking, leaving me strung up, covered in his jizz, my pants still around my ankles.

"Go get yourself cleaned up," he said, pulling in to the driveway.

I nodded, climbing out of the car, my cum-soaked jeans cold against my legs and ass, more cum dripping from my pussy as I stood. Even in the dim light the red welts around my wrists were clearly visible.

"I'll be back soon," he promised. "Go get cleaned up for me."

Image Source

Pleasurists: Edition 160

2011-12-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

Whitney Bee 1 by barelight
Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.
Did you miss Pleasurists 159? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 161? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday December 25th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Naughty for Christmas Giveaway Deadline: December 21st @ 12:01am Eastern.
RodeoH Giveaway Deadline: December 22nd.
Win a Luxury Sex Toy Every Day with the Lovehoney Advent Calendar! Deadline: Daily winner until December 24th.
Holiday Vibrator Giveaway Deadline: December 25th.
Tingle Me Giveaway Deadline: December 29th.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

Dildos

Anal Toys

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

BDSM/Fetish

Adult Books/Games

Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders by Mistress Kay

Adult DVDs & Porn

Lingerie

Miscellaneous

Riding

2011-12-19T18:02:00.000-08:00

Image Source
Gabriel Nita, Miss Pixie, Ryo Love

Review: Shots Toys' 10-Speed Vibrating Egg

2011-12-17T19:50:00.000-08:00

Over the years I have acquired a decent selection of sex toys, including several vibrators, but up until just a few weeks ago I was utterly unfamiliar with both egg-type vibrators and with the Shots Toys brand (created by Shots Media). Initially I was very excited to receive the company's 10-Speed Vibrating Egg, and I was eager to try it out, but, unfortunately, as I have become acquainted with the toy my excitement has diminished somewhat.

Material

Type: Plastic
Texture: Hard, smooth, slightly velvety
Features: Non-porous, devoid of latex and phthalates, tasteless and odorless
Care: Wipe with isopropyl alcohol or wash with hot water and antibacterial soap to clean; may be used with oil, silicone, or water-based lubricants

Design

Size: 7.5 in/19.1 cm in length, 3.25 in/8.3 cm insertable length, 3.5 in/8.9 cm long cord, 0.75 in/1.9 cm control; 4.375 in/11.1 cm in circumference; weighs 1.5 oz
Shape: Cylindrical egg with rounded ends, the insertable of which tapers slightly, connects via a flat, flexible cord to a similarly rounded plastic cylinder that is halved and topped by the single push button control
Color: Orange, also available in black, green, pink, and purple
Aesthetics: Simple, rounded, fairly compact and sleek

Shots Toys' 10-Speed Vibrating Egg is a simple, attractive toy composed primarily of a hard, non-porous and hypoallergenic plastic that is slightly velvety to the touch and easily cleaned with isopropyl alcohol or antibacterial soap and hot water. The body of the egg is moderately sized, measuring 3.25 inches in length and just under 4.4 inches in circumference, and its smooth surface is marred only by the opaque ring that encircles and protects the insides of the toy from water damage. The egg's insertable end tapers a bit, while the other rounds off and is crowned with a small opaque disc that waterproofs the point where a flat, flexile cord enters. On the other end of the cord, which measures 3.5 inches, is another opaque disc, this one protecting the insides of the the egg's control. The control portion of this toy is housed in a small, glossy plastic half-cylinder and a single push button control is situated atop the flat side of it. The entirety of this toy is compatible with water, oil, and silicone-based lubricants.

Functions & Features

Controls: Push button
Power Source: Two AAA batteries
Features: Vibrating; three speeds, eight pulse patterns, quiet, waterproof

The waterproof 10-Speed Vibrating Egg is, as its name suggests, a vibrating toy that provides multiple different speeds and pulse patterns, all powered by two AAA batteries and controlled by a single push button. Pressing the push button once turns the vibrator on and provides a low, consistent vibration. Another press of the button ups the intensity slightly while maintaining the same regular vibration, and a third press yields a marginally more intense vibration in the same consistent pattern as the first two. These low, medium, and high speeds, all of which are rather quiet and of low intensity, combine to create the more varied pulse patterns that follow. Pressing the button a fourth time moves the egg to a quickly pulsing pattern of low to medium strength, and another push of the button adds to the pulsations a more intense, slightly drawn out vibration with every fifth pulse. Clicking the button a sixth time causes an undulating series of crescendos and decrescendos to occur, from low to medium to high, and pressing down upon the control again results in a series of deliberate, pulsing crescendos that, once reaching their peak, begin anew with low intensity vibrations that build swiftly. The eighth push of the button causes a series of high pulses that come increasingly more quickly before culminating in a rapid low to medium strength pulsation. The ninth setting provides a long, low to medium vibration that is followed by nine brief pulses on high. Pushing the control button once more results in the occurrence of a pattern of long, high vibrations interspersed by fourteen alternating medium and low pulses in quick succession. Pressing the button again turns the 10-Speed Vibrating Egg off, as does holding the button down for three seconds at any point during use.

Due to the placement of the vibrating component of this toy, the vibrations are not equivalent from all angles. Roughly one-third of the egg's side vibrates more strongly than the other two-thirds do, and the vibrations all but disappear at the ends of the egg.

Included Extras

Two AAA batteries

This vibrator was packaged with two AAA batteries, but they failed to work.

Performance & Value

I wanted to love Shots Toys' 10-Speed Vibrating Egg. Like most of the Shots Toys line of products, it is an attractive and inexpensive item, retailing for under twenty dollars, and, more importantly, it is fully submersible in water and simply designed, thus easily cleaned, comprised of body-friendly materials, and it can be used with different types of lubricants. These are some of the attributes that I look for when purchasing new vibrators, but there are other important aspects that I seek that the 10-Speed Vibrating Egg lacks, versatility and power being key among them.

One of the primary selling points of the 10-Speed Vibrating Egg is its many speeds and patterns of vibrations, however, these are largely wasted due to how insubstantial the vibrations are. Despite having a fairly sensitive clitoris, the lowest speed does virtually nothing for me, regardless of how I utilize the toy, and the medium and high speeds are only slightly better. I am able to get off with direct clitoral stimulation along the length of the egg, but when used internally the vibrations are inadequate to bring me to orgasm without additional manipulation. The point of the egg is particularly lacking in vibrations, rendering it useless insofar as providing targeted stimulation, and the egg's girth, though it provides a nicely full feeling when inserted, makes it difficult to maneuver in to position for g-spot stimulation. The 4.4 inch circumference and lack of vibration intensity also makes anal use uncomfortable and pointless for me, though the size would be quite satisfactory for many. That being said, should one attempt to use this toy anally I would recommend slipping it in to a condom prior to insertion, as the cord is not intended to be used for removal. Additionally, though the single push button control is easily operable, it is, at times, frustrating to have to cycle through so many modes when seeking a specific one.

The 10-Speed Vibrating Egg can readily be used in conjunction with other toys, insertables, and however many partners one prefers, but the insufficiency of its vibrations and their intensity and consistency through the entirety of the egg results in a vibrator that is of limited worth due to the lack of power and functional versatility that it provides. It is a toy that will likely go largely unused around here, save only for when M is specifically desiring to do no more than tease me with light vibrations.

This product was provided to me free of charge by Eden Fantasys in exchange for an unbiased review.

It's the Week Prior To the Week Before Christmas

2011-12-14T18:46:00.000-08:00

As those who follow me on Twitter are no doubt all too aware, I have traded in my textbooks and calculators for recipe cards and candy thermometers. Though there are still eleven days until Christmas, I have a lot of cooking, baking, and candy making to do, much of which will need to be mailed out, so I am trying to get a good portion of the work done this week. I fear that between that and a review that needs finishing I will not have an opportunity to compose a proper blog post this week, and given that the coming week will be flush with yet more cooking, baking, wrapping, and other assorted holiday activities and chores, it is quite possible that I will be unable to find the time to do so then, either. In lieu of what most have come here for, I can only offer three of my best holiday recipes, after the jump.

Image Source

Holiday Fudge

Ingredients:

14 ounces Jet-Puffed marshmallow creme
3 cups white sugar
1 1/3 cups evaporated milk
1/2 cup butter
1/2 teaspoon salt
24 ounces semi-sweet chocolate chips
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1-2 peppermint candy canes, crushed

Instructions:

Line a 9x13 inch (or thereabouts) pan with foil.
In a medium to large pot, combine marshmallow creme, sugar, milk, butter, and salt on medium heat, stirring constantly. Bring to a full boil and boil for 5 minutes (keep stirring while it boils!), then remove from heat and quickly blend in the chocolate chips and vanilla.
Pour the mixture in to the foil-lined pan and allow to cool for 20 minutes or so before sprinkling with crushed candy cane.
Once completely cool, refrigerate for several hours until fudge is cold and firm.

Salted Caramel

Ingredients:

2 cups white sugar
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup corn syrup
1 cup evaporated milk
2 cups heavy whipping cream
1 cup butter
1 1/4 teaspoons vanilla extract
sea salt

Instructions:

Line a 12x15 inch (or thereabouts) pan with parchment paper.
In a medium to large pot, combine sugar, brown sugar, corn syrup, evaporated milk, whipping cream, and butter over medium heat, stirring constantly and keeping the sides of the pot clean. Monitor the temperature with a candy thermometer; when the thermometer reaches 244-250 degrees Fahrenheit (the hotter it gets the firmer the caramel will be) remove from heat and quickly stir in the vanilla.
Pour the mixture in to the parchment-lined pan and allow to cool for approximately 10-20 minutes before lightly sprinkling sea salt over the top.
Let cool completely before cutting.

Candied Walnuts

Ingredients:

16 ounces walnuts, halved
1 cup white sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Line a baking sheet with foil and line another pan or baking sheet with waxed paper.
Spread walnuts in a single layer on the foil-lined baking sheet and roast for 8-10 minutes.
Combine sugar, cinnamon, salt, and milk in a small to medium pot on medium-high heat, stirring constantly until a candy thermometer reads 236 degrees Fahrenheit, then remove from heat and quickly stir in the vanilla.
Combine the mixture with the walnuts, stirring to coat the latter, then spread in a single layer on the waxed paper-lined pan.
Allow to cool.

It's Finals Week

2011-12-06T15:48:00.000-08:00

I am unlikely to find the time to post here this week, but I will resume blogging regularly as soon as I am able. Wish me luck in the meantime.

Image Source
Jim Duvall, Sparrow, Rose Riley, Scarlet Adare, Lorelei, Melissa, Sophia Sky

Puppy Play

2011-12-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

Image Source
OKn Photography, Amesbury Rose

Shush

2011-11-30T10:34:00.000-08:00

M would love to put me in a mask that allows him to see what he affectionately refers to as my "Disney Princess eyes," particularly one that also doubles as a gag of sorts. Any idea where we might be able to find something like this?

Image Source
Lithium Picnic, Ancilla Tilia

Strapped

2011-11-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

Image Source
gsphoto, Lilith York

Of Tangibility

2011-11-28T12:31:00.000-08:00

My service to M takes many forms, some easily perceived, others less so. When I obey a directive issued by M I am submitting to him in a tangible, observable manner. M, if present when issuing said directive, can watch me comply with and carry out his instructions. He can actually behold me doing so, and, depending on the nature of the order, may also be able to see the end result. When I offer myself up for sexual use I am giving my body to M to be utilized, submitting to him in a palpably tactile way that cannot go unnoticed. M can both observe and experience my submission. Likewise, by giving me an order or making use of my body, M is exerting his dominance over me in a similarly tangible manner. I can observe him doing so. I can hear the commands that I am being given and I can feel him using me. His dominance is made explicit and perceptible. Other forms of submission and dominance are significantly more difficult to recognize. When styling myself in accordance with M's preferences it is not always readily apparent that I am doing so, and when declining a social invitation so that I will not be unavailable to M it is quite possible that he will never even be aware that I have done so, let alone for what reason. So too does M's domination of me go unnoticed. For every perceived exertion of his dominance there are countless exertions unseen. For each order given there are at least several others that have been considered and discarded, and for each decision made there are numerous other options that have been carefully weighed and subsequently rejected. Overall, the bulk of M's domination of me is essentially invisible to all but him.

I quickly grow restless and unwieldy when there is a lack of tangible dominance for a length of time, which happens periodically in shortish spurts. During these occurrences I tend to become increasingly dissatisfied and unsettled, making me ever more difficult for M to manage. I am an attention whore, at least in regard to M, and without tangible dominance I feel neglected, alone, and adrift. Were it to go on indefinitely I am quite certain that our relationship would suffer substantially, but I have come to realize that these relatively brief stints that regularly occur are never indicative of any insurmountable issues, nor do they seem to cause any real lasting damage. There is really no reason for me to allow myself to be as upset by them as I have in the past. Logically, I know that I am witness to only a small portion of M's control and management of me, just as M sees only a portion of my service to him. Now it is simply a matter of remaining mindful of the intangible when faced with a lack of the tangible.

Image Source

lepersabstain, Vaunt

Spanked

2011-11-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

Image Source
Kaos Beauty Klinik

Romance

2011-11-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

Romance in its more conventional forms is largely lost on me. Receiving even the most elaborately arranged bouquet of exotic flowers, or the most exquisite tasting and elegantly wrapped premium chocolates, is, although enjoyable and thoroughly appreciated, ultimately useless insofar as inspiring the weak-in-the-knees-butterflies-in-the-stomach sort of feelings that most romantic gestures are intended to rouse. My predilections being what they are, what passes for romance in my world is considerably darker than anything that you might find at a Hallmark shop, and one would, when attempting to inflame my passions, have far better luck with a trip to the feed store.

At times I half-wish that the standard displays of romance that most seem to find satisfactorily romantic were for me, too. It seems that, if nothing else, it would be easier on M if his girl were to prefer what is commonly available and widely expected to what is decidedly not. Many stores and gas stations stock flowers, but relatively few carry riding crops or leashes. It takes an extra stop on the way home to delight me. I shake this thinking by reminding myself that it is merely a testament to my great worth, or, perhaps more likely, to M's patience in indulging me. (It's win-win for the both of us, regardless.) Then I distract myself by wondering what romance is to others who, like me, are unstirred by the usual romantic offerings. What are their floral arrangement equivalents? Their expensive candle-lit dinners?

Being gifted with a new lead, the pliant leather gleaming in the lamplight as it is affixed to my collar for the first time, warms my body from head to toe and leaves me feeling sweet and bashful. Falling asleep with a hand encircling my neck, gripping me ever more tightly as I drift in to the night, results in me being awash with love, desire, and a strong sense of security. Being told that I will never, ever be allowed to leave causes me to feel wanted, even treasured, for why else would someone be so greedy and possessive of another? These are the gifts and favors and sweet nothings that are most effective in romancing me.

Image Source
Solus Photography, Arkandia, Michael Cooney

Prance

2011-11-21T15:25:00.000-08:00

Image Source
Natalie Shau, Hideo

Pleasurists: Edition 157

2011-11-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

The lovers are crazy by tasteofomi
Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.

Did you miss Pleasurists 156? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 158? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday November 27th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

600 Follower Giveaway Deadline: November 25th.
Happy Spanksgiving Kinky Contest – Win a Neon Wand! Deadline: November 25th @ Noon.
RodeoH Harness Giveaway Deadline: November 27th @ Noon Eastern.
Dirty Movie Deadline Giveaway Deadline: November 27th.
In Celebration of My Husband’s Birthday, I’m Giving Away a Fun Factory Cobra Libre and Tenga Eggs! Deadline: November 30th.
Win an Extase Couture Vibrator Deadline: November 30th @ Midnight Eastern.
Giveaway Bonanza Deadline: December 5th.
RodeoH Giveaway Deadline: December 8th.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

Dildos

Anal Toys

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

LELO Insignia Oden by Dr. Ruthie

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

BDSM/Fetish

Adult Books/Games

Adult DVDs & Porn

Lingerie

Miscellaneous

RodeoH by Karen Blue
Bound By Diamonds by Midnight Boudoir

In Chains

2011-11-20T06:24:00.000-08:00

Image Source
SYB, Verity Vian

Tight Fit

2011-11-16T23:07:00.000-08:00

My relationship with M is multifaceted. We serve different roles and purposes within one another's lives, and any number of separate, and possibly conflicting, dynamics may be in play concurrently. Some of these are seen frequently, persisting for days, weeks, or even months without cessation, while others are encountered more rarely, and perhaps only briefly.

I am able to fill some roles with ease. Slipping in to them is as comfortable as tugging on my well-worn, decade-old Levis. Other roles are a tighter fit, more difficult to don and uncomfortable or tasking to maintain, but offer handsome reward to compensate for the struggle.

There are days when I have no interest in surrendering to M, days when filling the 'slave' role requires great and prolonged effort, sacrifice, discomfort, or inconvenience. On days like this M will, through various means, place me in that role, regardless of my disinterest.

There are days when M has no interest in asserting his 'owner' status. He remains the one in charge, of course, and he continues managing our lives, making any necessary decisions, and so on, but his desire to make any pronounced display of the power that he possesses dwindles. On days like this I try to be as undemanding and docile as I can be, so as to avoid adding to whatever stress or burn out is causing his disinterest.

There are days when I lack the inclination to surrender and M lacks the motivation to ensure that I do. On days like this we become very frustrated with one another. I feel restless, aimless, and unbalanced, and then I feel guilty and ashamed for feeling that way. If I am having a particularly lovely day the guilt and shame will be followed by feelings of resentment, which in turn results in yet another helping of guilt.

Some of the roles and dynamics that we take on become easier with the passage of time and use. If only it were possible to choose for one's self which was to be the next to evolve in this way.

Image Source

Simonovikis

Get Your Fix

2011-11-16T17:49:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite bloggers, the always amusing Master's piece, has nominated me for the so-called "Versatile Blogger Award." I have a bit of a crush on piece, who is charmingly well-written and delightfully entertaining, so I am quite flattered to be receiving an award from her. Anyone who has not yet stopped by her blog, Down the rabbit hole..., should definitely do so now. Anyhow, the Versatile Blogger Award appears to be intended to feed the addictions of blog whores like myself. Recipients are encouraged to acknowledge their nominator and link to their nominator's blog, share seven things about themselves, and nominate fifteen of their favorite bloggers for the award (Try not to forget, as I nearly did, to notify those whom you've nominated!).

Seven Things About Me

In addition to blogs, I am addicted to Coke, Starbucks frappuccinos with caramel and extra coffee, and french toast, the latter three of which I have exchanged sexual favors for more than once. M delights in teasing me for being, quite literally, a "Coke whore."
When eating from a plate that holds more than one type of food (ie. an entree and a side or two) it is necessary for me to keep each dish completely separated from the other, else my obsessive-compulsive disorder causes my brain to twitch. It simply will not do to have my baked potato nudged up against my balsamic-rosemary steak, nor can my steamed broccoli florets be nestled amongst my pesto fettuccine.
Receiving cunnilingus can be enjoyable for me, but I quickly tire of it and it seldom brings more than, at most, moderate amounts of pleasure. At times it is downright uncomfortable.
Vanilla sex was once satisfying, but, as time goes on, I find it to be less and less so. I fear that by age fifty I will only be able to get off via the most brutally violent and degrading sexual encounters.
I am high maintenance, though not in the usual, 'I need a warehouse filled with boxes of peroxide blonde hair color, a room devoted solely to designer heels, and a minimum of three hours each morning to spackle my face with various concealers and highlighters,' way. I am more of a, 'give me attention, you're not paying me enough attention, hey, look at me, I need attention,' sort of girl.
If I do not exercise caution when playing any sort of game that can be won (read: all games ever), I am prone to being totally consumed by my drive to be the victor, even when my only competition is under the age of nine.
Compiling lists of random factoids concerning myself leaves me feeling decidedly self-absorbed and terribly uninteresting.

Fifteen of My Favorite Bloggers

(excluding Master's piece, though she's well worth a second mention, so that I can thwart the rules and list sixteen bloggers in total)

18"

2011-11-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

Image Source
Mateusz Bylica

Review: Evolved Travel Vibes Maui

2011-11-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

I am something of a sex toy fiend, with a penchant for strong vibrations and versatile, multipurpose designs. Maui, a small, compact vibrator from Evolved's Travel Vibes line, meets both points adequately, and she easily holds her own against other vibrators.

Material

Type: Plastic
Texture: Firm, smooth, slightly velvety
Features: Non-porous, free of phthalates and latex, tasteless, nearly odorless
Care: Clean with hot water and antibacterial soap or wipe with isopropyl alcohol; pair with water, oil, or silicone-based lubricants

Design

Size: 4.25 in/10.8 cm in length, 3 in/7.62 cm insertable length; 3.5 in/8.9 cm circumference at widest point, 3 in/7.62 cm circumference at narrowest point; weighs 2.5 oz
Shape: Phallic, tapered end, bulbous head and midpoint
Color: Purple, also available in pink
Aesthetics: Compact, non-realistic, slightly raised swirls

Maui is made with a smooth, non-porous, satiny feeling plastic that is hypoallergenic and can be used with water-based lubricants and oil and silicone-based lubes. She is firm, petite, and unimposing, measuring 4.25 inches end to end, with a graceful, non-realistic phallic shape, a tapered, bulbed tip, and a convex midpoint. At her widest, Maui is a mere 3.5 inches in circumference, and she narrows slightly to 3 inches between the rounded tip and midpoint. Embossed swirls add aesthetic value, but they are not raised enough to provide any additional stimulation or to make cleaning problematic. Maui can be washed with hot, soapy water or wiped clean with isopropyl alcohol.

Functions & Features

Controls: Push button
Power Source: One AA battery
Features: Vibrating, two speeds, quiet, waterproof, limited g-spot stimulation

A single AA battery is all that is required to power the waterproof Maui, and a push button on an angled base makes it easy to turn her on and off, switch between intensities, and pause her vibrations, even in the midst of use. Maui offers two quiet, moderate speeds to choose between and, due to her diminutive size, the vibrations are consistent through the insertable length. The bulbous tip is firm enough to provide some g-spot stimulation.

Included Extras

Storage/travel case

Maui arrived packaged in a small, cylindrical plastic case that she can be housed in when not in use. The base of the case pops on and off easily enough, and a metal loop at the top of the case, which I assume is intended for retail display purposes, provides an attachment point should one be desired. The two holes through which the loop is inserted offer ventilation and make the case suitable for storing a freshly cleaned and still-wet Maui without retaining moisture.

Performance & Value

I was initially concerned that Maui might be too small and weak to be a serviceable toy for me, but I soon realized that her compactness is arguably her greatest asset, and that my worries were unfounded.

As noted previously, Maui is conveniently powered by a single AA battery, which provides moderate vibrations through her entire insertable length. Her slim, tapered design and gradual swells ensure an easy fit, both vaginally and anally, even for novices, and her velvety texture and gentle curves make for a vibrator that adapts well to external use. Maui fits perfectly over my vulva, offering targeted vibrations on my clitoris and along my labia. The first speed is just strong enough to bring me to orgasm with direct clitoral stimulation, and the second speed, when used internally, got me off with only a bit of manipulation. Maui's firm, rounded tip allows for some g-spot stimulation, but it is too narrow for me to reach orgasm with via g-spot stimulation alone. When used anally, Maui provides just enough girth without being difficult to insert or uncomfortable to keep in.

Retailing for less than twenty dollars, Evolved's Maui is an inexpensive, well-made vibrator of moderate strength that is attractive, unimposing, portable, and versatile. She is suitable for use singularly, but also works well with other sex toys and/or a partner or three. Size queens and those who require very intense vibrations might be underwhelmed by her, but those seeking an affordable, compact, well constructed, and easy-to-use vibrator with a variety of potential purposes will not be disappointed by Maui.

This product was provided to me free of charge by Eden Fantasys in exchange for an unbiased review.

Winter Doldrums

2011-11-12T13:44:00.000-08:00

Winter has arrived in my bit of the world, bringing with it the doldrums. I am feeling unsettled and unfulfilled in many respects, and I lack purpose. School has, at least until next fall, ceased to be either challenging or interesting. Issues with my IUD and the endometriosis that it sometimes brings about have sapped me of my strength and left me aggravatingly weak. A perceived absence of both overt and mental dominance from M has left me feeling lonely and displaced, and I lack the energy and enthusiasm necessary to be anything except pessimistic about it. I am quite the pitiful thing, and my usual methods of cheering myself up depend too heavily on warm, sunny days to be of much use now.

I do not wish to spread my gloominess by dwelling on it and writing endlessly about it here, so there may be a decrease in how frequently I blog in the coming days and weeks. I will, however, make a point of keeping up with my email and Twitter accounts. The socialization can only be of benefit, so do not hesitate to contact me, even if things should go quiet around here. I have a sex toy review in the works, one that will be posted by Tuesday at the latest, but more experimentation is needed first. Perhaps a few orgasms will brighten my mood...

My True Master

2011-11-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

M and I like to pretend as though he owns me, but my true master is undoubtedly my hormones. Those capricious little chemicals govern my emotions, my behaviors, even my ability to surrender to M.

During shark week I am a grouchy, lethargic girl, one who considers snarls and growls to be acceptable means of communication. Despite this, submission comes easily during this week, at least relatively speaking. I lack the strength to resist or fight, and I want nothing more than to lay on the couch, wrapped securely in M's arms, while I inhale more food than I eat the other three weeks of the month combined. I am affectionate, cuddly, insecure, and hopelessly needy, relying heavily upon M to care for me.

The week prior to shark week, what I think of as "PMS week," is a bit more fraught with conflict than shark week itself. I am an emotional wreck, sporadically alternating between contented happiness, irrational anger, and unstoppable tears. Though I am quick to fight, resist, and take offense, it rarely takes long for me to shift to another, less combative mood. Within an hour I can be observed to go from smiling sweetness to thunderous rage to apologetic tears, the transitions abrupt and without warning. There are moments when I am extremely difficult to manage during PMS week, but M knows that they are only brief moments, soon to be replaced by conciliatory geniality.

Before PMS week is "slut week." I am impishly good-natured throughout, and my every thought is licentiously carnal. I want to fuck nearly every man I encounter, and most of the women too. I flirt and make bedroom eyes at almost everyone. My wanton preoccupations leave me little time or incentive to act up, and all issues can be resolved with a vigorous fucking. I am not particularly submissive during slut week, but the promise of cock is usually all that is necessary to encourage my surrender.

During the week that follows shark week and precedes slut week I am at my most difficult, at least as it pertains to the ease with which M can control me. "Independent week," as I call it, is the when I get shit done. It is also when I am at my most critical and distant. I am almost cold, uninterested in affection or touch, and I am quick to pull away in dissatisfaction. My submission, if you can call it that, must be dragged out of me, often with great force. I am headstrong, impudent, detached, impatient, and unemotional, and my interest in obeying orders is minimal at most. Truth be told, I have no idea how M finds the patience to deal with me during independent week, but I suspect that the nearness of slut week may have something to do with it.

Image Source
Alyz

Nay

2011-11-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

I say, "no," to M frequently, and by 'frequently' I mean 'all the fucking time.' As of late I have switched it up a bit, interspersing my 'nos' with 'nays' (Surely I am not the only one who, after a medieval historical fiction binge, finds themselves sporadically speaking like a fourteenth century noblewoman?), and I often substitute with a 'fuck off' or a 'hell no,' depending on my linguistic needs. At times my 'nos,' 'nays,' and 'fuck offs' are accompanied by a slap or a scratch, and occasionally I am known to pair them with a kick in the direction M's shins (What can I say? I prize both clarity and directness in my communications, verbal and non.).

I doubt many masterful-types would permit the sort of behaviors that are readily accepted by M, but I am fortunate enough to have a fairly laid-back owner, one who is largely unintimidated and unperturbed by defiance or by my big mouth. He has no reason to be, and he knows it. Half of the time I am doing as I have been told, even as I shout, "Nay, you treacherous scoundrel!", over my shoulder, and, in the event that I am not doing as I have been instructed, it is rarely too tasking for M to force my compliance. This may be achieved any number of ways, ranging from shooting me a look that is sufficient enough to make me fear the potential consequences of continued refusal and reconsider, to beating my ass until it glows and then physically maneuvering me in to completing my given orders. Given our vast size differential, even the latter is relatively easy for M to accomplish, meaning that M is never without recourse in the face of the defiance that he allows me to exhibit. I imagine that there are times when M wonders if speech restrictions, or perhaps a brank, might be of use, but the honesty that is fostered by the freedoms of expression that I am granted has thus far outweighed the drawbacks. In addition, the overt and tangible reinforcement of our relationship roles serves to strengthen M's dominance over me, regardless of any protests on my part.

Image Source

Social Life, Or Lack Thereof

2011-11-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

I once had a busy, dynamic social life, one that was filled with a multitude of diverse friends and acquaintances. I made an effort to be friendly to virtually everyone, in my classes, at my waitressing job, even in line at the ATM and in the produce section of the grocery store, and I only rarely turned down an opportunity to go to a party or on a date. As a result, I always had something to do, somewhere to go, and someone to see. At most, one or two nights a week were spent at my apartment, and, living with a roommate, even fewer nights were spent entirely alone.

Currently, my life essentially revolves around M. Despite going to class daily, it is not uncommon for a day or two to pass with no direct interaction between I and someone other than M, and it is quite common for several days to pass without verbally speaking to anyone other than M. I no longer feel obligated to smile and chit chat with everyone, nor do I feel badly about turning down invitations to events and goings on that I do not care to attend. At most, three or four nights a month are spent in the company of people other than M, and even fewer nights are spent not in M's company.

M is always on my mind, and my days are meticulously plotted to maximize the amount of time that we can spend with one another. We rise within minutes of each other most mornings, and I am nearly always home when M returns from his workday. M's lunch break is spent together. Our nights are spent together. Our weekends, our holidays, and our vacations are spent together. Only rarely do we part when we do not have to, and we invariably rush back to one another as soon as our separate obligations have been completed.

Few seem to understand how a couple can be so singularly absorbed with one another, and I suspect that many judge our relationship to be unhealthy. Perhaps they are correct. Certainly a case could be made that they are. Regardless, at this time neither M or I have any intention of altering our singular focus on the other. We are happiest, thus far, as we are.

Image Source
Mastertouch Studios

No

2011-10-31T18:42:00.000-07:00

My interest was caught recently, by the notion of internal enslavement, and a burgeoning preoccupation has begun to develop. I have done a fair amount of research on the subject, seeking out the perspectives of those who consider themselves so enslaved, pestering those (much appreciated) few who are willing to discuss their personal experiences with this sort of enslavement with me, and ruminating endlessly on it all. For the most part I found myself conflicted. Though I believed internal enslavement to be very possible, I was uncertain if it was for me, if it were possible for me to be enslaved in this way, and, if I am to be completely honest, if I were courageous enough to permit myself to surrender to such enslavement. Though the prospect is quite appealing, it also terrifying to consider being bound to M so tightly. I was undecided about the whole thing, and in no rush to make any decisions. Then I spoke with M on the topic, was told 'no,' and now, in my usual contrary, impatiently bull-headed way, I find myself wanting it more than anything.

I loathe hearing the word 'no.' I despise being categorically denied. Hearing the word 'no' is enough to have me biting back a scathing retort and a rush of hastily formulated arguments, even if the 'no' received was actually the hoped for response originally. It is like reflex, how quickly I rise to rail against the word. I am shamefully immature in that way, though fortunately not so immature that I cannot hold my tongue when I know that that 'no' I have received is the correct response.

M did not dismiss the concept of enslaving me internally altogether, but in the immediate and short-term futures it appears that I will remain almost-property. He does not believe us to be "ready," and I know that if he does not feel we are prepared for that step, we are not. That 'no' though, I resist it still. I am sure that M knew how I would react to the word. I always react to it this way. At times, he finds it amusing to observe my visceral reactions to it, and I often suspect that he has employed the word purely to rile me up, but that is not what is going on in this instance. This 'no' is sincere. It must be accepted and I must be patient until that 'no' becomes a 'yes,' however long it may take, however furiously I remonstrate against it internally. I submit and I defy concurrently. It is most disconcerting, this conflict, but then, that seems to be the theme here.

Image Source
Tom Ma, Iris Dassault

Laced Up

2011-10-28T16:49:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Suzy The Butcher

Lessening Burdens

2011-10-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

Staying true to my all-or-nothing nature, as soon as M and I had become somewhat comfortable in the D/s phase of our relationship I was eager to go headlong in to relinquishing all of my rights. By that time I was confident that the seemingly vanilla guy I had begun dating had grown in to an assured and capable man. I believed that I could trust him to pace the actual withdrawal of my rights as he desired, ever mindful of how I was handling it, and I have been proven correct thus far. Overall, it's been relatively painless, at least in comparison to my preconceived expectations. Surrendering control over what I tend to perceive as the "big" things- matters such as finances, education, work, medical, and the like -went with minimal hiccups and only slight trepidation on my part. Within three months or so most of my concerns had dissipated. I was quite pleased with how well I was taking to slavishness and how well M was taking to ownership, and I was thrilled by how few of the obstacles that I had been expecting had actually come to be an issue. Predictably, however, there arose an unanticipated issue to replace those that had not materialized.

After much thought and discussion, it was decided that I would be going back to school while M continued to work full time. My duties were to do well in my classes and keep up with the household cleaning and basic maintenance. His were to bring in the money, take of care of the heavier household maintenance requirements, and make the decisions. Several weeks in to our new way of life I was hit with a wave of guilt, a wave that kicked off a series of similar, smaller waves, a collective that did not recede entirely until fairly recently. I felt like an enormous burden on M. I felt that my contributions to us and our household were nominal in comparison to his. Going to school and doing schoolwork for a few hours a day and doing cleaning and chores for a few hours a day, versus working for eight to ten hours a day in large blocks of time? Driving, walking, being outdoors, learning, interacting with others, versus standing in a small, hot room, mostly alone, doing laborious work? I knew what I would choose, were I given the option. I was wracked with guilt for months over having what I perceived to be the very, very long end of the stick, and I hated feeling as though M had the stub of a short end.

In an effort to rationalize myself out of my guilt at doing "less" than M, I attempted to calculate an approximate worth for the duties that I performed. Domestic workers charge a respectable rate per hour, allowing me to assign worth to the cleaning, organizing, and repairing that I do around the house. My consistent laundry services alone would make a pretty penny. My aesthetics and attention to detail and symmetry allow me to maintain a relatively nicely decorated home for M, especially given our budget constraints in that area (curiously, new pillows and pretty knick-knacks aren't really a priority for M), so I began figuring out how much a cut-rate decorator might earn. In the midst of adding up my supposed worth, however, I realized how flawed my methods were. Sure, many hours were spent cleaning every week, but if M were a single man, without me and my furry cats spending nearly all of our time inside of his house, he'd likely only need to pay a housekeeper for an hour a week. So much for using logic to assuage the guilt. I was back at square one.

Over time, helped along by M's assurances that he felt like the one who had it better (one boss vs. multiple professors, one job vs. multiple things to keep track of, etc.) and a burgeoning understanding of how integral my companionship and support are to M, I became comfortable with the distribution of responsibilities between M and I. I am far more suited to attending school, studying, cleaning, and living a life close to home, and M is far more suited for a rigorous, challenging job that he can put out of his mind at the close of the workday. We function well, living as we are. I smile to think that the distribution of responsibilities seem more equal now than it ever did when M and I lived as a vanilla, egalitarian couple who split everything down the middle, and now, being better suited to our respective responsibilities, the burden is less on the both of us.

Image Source
Stark-Arts, Damiana

Submissive Blog Hop Challenge: Twenty-Five Things About Me & My Submission

2011-10-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, shortly after I had begun searching for information about deliberately non-egalitarian relationship dynamics, I found myself at SubmissiveGuide.com, a web site that is intended to provide those interested in taking on a submissive role, be it intermittently or full time, with guidance, advice, and support. Submissive Guide is not without its flaws, of course, and as M and I have rapidly progressed to our present state of almost-ownership I have found the site to be less and less pertinent to our relationship. Submissive Guide seems to be primarily geared towards those in D/s dynamics, and much of what occurs and works in our relationship is discouraged by the site's authors. Over the years, however, I have found Submissive Guide to be occasionally very useful, and I often refer newly exploring wannabe submissives to it. It is a great resource, particularly for those new to non-egalitarian relationships, though I would caution against it being the only resource utilized. Anyhow, lunaKM, one of the creators of Submissive Guide, has initiated a blogging challenge, not unlike the Thirty Days of Kink challenge seen here and elsewhere. Being the word nerd that I am, I plan to play along over the coming months.

For more information about the first challenge, click here. To see those participating in this challenge, click here.

Twenty-Five Things About Me & My Submission

M and I met on my nineteenth birthday and within three months he was non-officially living with me at my apartment. I do not typically move very quickly when it comes to relationships, but things with M were different somehow.
My relationship with M was initially mostly vanilla, and we later moved in to a D/s dynamic that has evolved in to something akin to a M/s or O/p dynamic.
When I first brought up the prospect of a D/s relationship with M, he was unenthusiastic and skeptical about the practicalities. His desire for a sex slave outweighed his skepticism, however, so he agreed to give it a shot.
After deciding to pursue a D/s relationship, M and I went through a number of setbacks and false starts before eventually finding our footing.
The most instrumental and influential resources that M and I utilize as our relationship evolves are the blogs of others in similar relationships or in relationships that resemble what we eventually want for ourselves.
Blogging provides an outlet to work out my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, receive feedback, and hopefully help others following similar paths to mine.
I am not submissive by nature. If anything, quite the opposite. Regardless, my relationship with M functions much more smoothly when he is in charge and results in the both of us being happier and considerably more satisfied.
M is my best friend.
I do not currently work, though I may obtain temporary employment this coming spring. M works full time while I attend school and handle the bulk of the housework.
My access to money is very limited. If I need or want something, I must ask M to either purchase it for me or to give me the money so that I may purchase it myself. If and when I begin working I will likely be turning over the majority of my income to M, keeping only what he permits me to.
I wear my leather collar around the house on a regular basis, my matching leather cuffs less often.

Much of my communication with M is nonverbal. We touch frequently, hugging, grabbing, stroking, pinching, pulling, and prodding at one another. I also make liberal use of my middle finger.
I am often punished for minor things, such as pinching a bit too hard for M's liking, but when it comes to larger issues we usually talk it out.
M and I rarely have a proper BDSM session, but every now and again I will find myself chained to the bed and tortured or beaten.
I am both a masochist and a sadist, more so the latter.
If I had to select a favorite instrument of torture (to be on the receiving end of), I would choose M's leather belts. The sensation, the sound, and the scent of the leather just does "it" for me.
I love be forced in to submitting and M usually enjoys doing the forcing.
I desperately want to be caged, ideally in a hanging cage.
At present, my primary kink is control, and I always crave more no matter how much is exerted.
Though I am capable of feeding myself, M enjoys cooking far more than I do and he is significantly better at it, so he takes responsibility for nearly all of the grocery shopping and cooking.
I have had obsessive-compulsive disorder since childhood, which lends itself to a clean, well-kept house. Even my laziness is no match for OCD!
It is very difficult to envision being in a relationship devoid of kink and elements of dominance and submission. I am not sure if I could ever again be content in a purely vanilla relationship.
Someday, in the distant future, I hope to co-own a submissive or a slave with M.
I have no need for limits in my relationship with M. His are more conservative than mine would be, and I trust him to avoid seriously harming or traumatizing me.
I am a stubborn, obstinate girl at times, and I am very mischievous. Fortunately, my obdurate front is mostly just a front.

Image Source

Vexed

2011-10-25T01:42:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Ulorin Vex

Arial

2011-10-23T01:39:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Jvrsta

Gas Masks Galore

2011-10-21T13:38:00.000-07:00

Image Source
PostModernPorn

Image Source
gsphoto, Lilith York

Image Source
yendor09, Nenedhel

Image Source
Rugglez, Miss Pixie

Once More With Feeling

2011-10-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

M and I discussed my efforts to locate the "correct" label to affix to our relationship (I sound rather like a broken record, don't I? When I fixate on something I fixate, at least until something shinier comes along for me to dwell upon relentlessly.), and ultimately it was determined that I am too much of a literalist to truly consider myself a slave or property unless one of two things occurs.

If I were to find myself unable to leave M due to practical concerns, perhaps because I lacked the funds or the transportation, I would be view myself as being property. It is unlikely, however, that I will find myself in a situation such as this at any point in the near future. Though the finances are completely under M's control, my little Subaru that I have had for years remains under my name and a job would not be too difficult to obtain, and, even if I did not have access to a car or I was unable to find work, M and I live a mere thirty-some miles from my family. My overbearing mother would love to be my savior if I needed one, and she would gladly scoop me up and away from M to feed, house, and clothe me in exchange for once again having a live-in babysitter. So long as I have a "safety net" of this sort I am able to leave M.

If, somehow, I found myself inextricably linked to M psychologically to the extent that I literally could not leave, something vaguely similar to Stockholm Syndrome but without (most of) the kidnapping and torture, I would consider myself to be property. I know that something of this nature is very possible. In the M/s and O/p circles that I am familiar with it is frequently referred to as 'internal enslavement,' but I am not certain if it is possible for me. Many people can be effectively hypnotized, but not everyone can be, especially those who are resistant to it. I wonder if internal enslavement might be similar in that way, and, if so, would I be capable of yielding to it? M, during our conversation about labels, expressed a strong interest in the prospect of trying to produce something akin to internal enslavement within me, but I am unsure if he would have the patience to do so, even if I were enslaveable. Regardless, as it currently stands, I am not tied to M in this way. Leaving him would be both difficult and devastating, but I do believe that I could do it.

Working all of this out and determining definitively that I am not quite what I consider to be a slave or property is satisfying in a way, but I am still left without a label to describe what I am, other than 'almost property.' I know what I am to M and what he is to me, and he knows too. 'Almost property' is enough, I suppose, to explain what I am to others in a nutshell, and it would not be so difficult to elaborate with, "well, I'm a slave in all the usual ways, but I can leave if I really, really want to." Were I in an especially lazy mood I could simply link to this blog. With that settled, I now find myself intensely intrigued by the concept of internal enslavement. It appeals, no doubt, but my understanding of it is quite limited and I am skeptical about how attainable it would be for M and I. Research is in order, it seems. (Oh! The shine!)

Image Source
Marcus J. Ranum

Questions About Slaves, Property, & Labels

2011-10-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

I had not intended to post again this week on the subject of labels, but the topic has remained at the forefront of my mind. I have come to realize that much of my hesitation in claiming my relationship with M to be M/s or O/p stems from the fact that I am not literally a slave or literal property. If, for some reason, I wished to leave M, I would be able to do so. Sure, he might make good on his threats to chain me to the bed until he had ascertained that my decision to leave was well thought out and genuine, but ultimately I know that I would eventually be permitted to go if I truly wanted to. A slave or an owned creature would not have this option.

Do those who self-identify as slaves or owned property have the ability to choose to leave their masters and owners? If not, how is it that they do not have that option? What would happen if they did attempt to leave?

Image Source

Birthday

2011-10-15T05:20:00.000-07:00

One year ago today I began this blog.

Thank you to all who have stopped by.

Image Source

The Latest Products From LELO Insignia

2011-10-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

I was recently contacted by a representative from LELO, the Swedish company that is responsible for creating my beloved Gigi vibrator and a variety of other popular luxury sex toys, and invited to take part in the company's affiliate program. Being a long-time LELO enthusiast who has spent untold hours pining for the company's gorgeously designed products, I wasted no time in accepting, eager to receive information and updates on all of the latest LELO merchandise.

My first email from LELO arrived yesterday, and within moments of opening it I found myself losing track of time while idly perusing LELO's most recent creations. The new SenseMotion wireless couples' massagers, part of the LELO Insignia line, were particularly eye-catching, and I have yet to decide which of the three I am lusting after the most.

Tiani snagged my attention first. The sleek, rounded bulb is intended to be inserted in to the vagina, and the flexible silicone arm slips over the vulva to rest upon the clitoris, providing both internal and external vibrations. Being somewhat hyper-orgasmic, I occasionally find dual sensations of this sort to be a bit too stimulating, so I turned my attention to Lyla, a gently curved egg-like vibrator for women that can be worn internally or used externally. Small and simply designed, Lyla is very discreet and can easily be worn without detection, making the most of the wireless SenseMotion technology within. M would be endlessly entertained with her tucked inside of me and her controller in his palm. In the unlikely event that he did eventually grow bored with Lyla, Oden is a sure to pick up where she left off. Designed to provide pleasure to both partners during sex, Oden's curled, flexile tail slips around the base of the penis, while the bulbous head, which is flattened on one side, rests against the lower abdomen. Tiani, Lyla, and Oden are composed of a matte silicone, and all three are waterproof. The wireless SenseMotion controllers that accompany the trio are quite innovative, utilizing motion-sensor technology to direct the vibrators and receive feedback vibrations that mimic what the wearer of the vibrator is experiencing. Three buttons can be used to provide varying sensations, and tilting, turning, and shaking the controller further alters the vibrations from up to thirty-nine feet away. Just imagine the possibilities...

Suspended Dance

2011-10-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Jvrsta

Equestrian

2011-10-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Corwin Prescott, Lily Hex, Marlo Marquise

Labels In Flux

2011-10-11T16:27:00.000-07:00

I am a confessed logophile. Linguistics fascinate me, and I enjoy discovering new words and learning how to use them, as some readers may have deduced already. There is satisfaction to be had in locating the most suitable and precise words to convey my thoughts and feelings, and arranging them in a concise, eloquent manner. My enthusiasm for words plays a prominent role in my recent fixation on labels as they apply to my relationship with M, however, unlike words, there are relatively few labels with a widely recognized and agreed upon set of definitions. The labels most commonly applied to relationships that resemble our relationship are no exception, making it difficult to assign just one. Elements of D/s, M/s, and O/p are obviously present, and traces of taken-in-hand relationships and domestic discipline-focused relationships can be found as well. Of this conglomeration of partially applicable terms, which most accurately describes what M and I have?

I have never been comfortable labeling my relationship with M as 'D/s.' Though M is dominant over me, I am not a submissive person, nor do I consistently submit. How can I consider myself to be 'a submissive' when my personality is decidedly unsubmissive and I frequently fight M's orders until after I have been forced to comply? If M tells me to go in to the kitchen and I resist until he has physically placed me there, I have not behaved submissively or submitted. In addition, most self-described D/s relationships look much different from my relationship. I have no need for hard limits, safe-words, or anything of that sort, and I do not place any restrictions on M or his dealings with me. There is no aspect of my life that I withhold control of. This is not true of the D/s relationships that I am familiar with. Those relationships described as M/s or O/p seem to mirror my own more closely, but I have hesitated to bestow such weighty terms upon my relationship. They have seemed somehow too intense, too hardcore, and too serious. M and I have not been at this for long, relatively speaking, and I often feel as though there must be some sort of milestone or goal that is reached before such heavy labels are applied.

Last night M and I had a long discussion about our relationship, specifically what aspects of our lives he is and is not comfortable assuming authority of. He expressed some discomfort at the prospect of interfering with familial relationships, and declared that he would only do so if it was deemed to be essential. M was adamant that he is confident, prepared, and committed to controlling all other areas of our lives and our relationship, including finances, medical decisions, our living situation, my relationships with others, career and education related decisions, my appearance, and so on and on. Even the hows of ending our relationship are controlled by M, and, to some extent, if it ends. This is nothing new. We have been living this way for some time now. It is, however, the first time that we have had an all-encompassing conversation to affirm these things. Hearing M tell me that he wants to be the one to control our lives and that he will fight for his right to control them is immensely reassuring, and I feel as though our relationship and its accompanying dynamics have been solidified in a way that they were not before. Labeling our relationship as M/s and/or O/p no longer strikes me as being quite so excessively overblown. Perhaps this was the milestone that I had been waiting for.

Image Source
Marker Images, Arch and Collar

Harnessed

2011-10-11T05:20:00.000-07:00

Image Source

Here, Kitty Kitty

2011-10-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

Image Source

Just a Taste

2011-10-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Jiri Ruzek

Slap

2011-10-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

It is not the first time that it has happened, that M has struck at me and that the blow fell where it was not supposed to. Last night he slapped at my face, but instead caught my nose at an angle that caused hot pain to radiate across my cheeks and up my forehead, bringing tears to my eyes.

I know that mistakes are inevitable, especially given the manner in which M and I interact with one another.When I think about it, I realize that it is fortuitously surprising that I am not hurt more often, and I hold no grudge against M for the occasional misstep of this sort. I do hold...something, though. In my mind I replay the event, over and over, modifying the scenario in different ways each time.

Had M grasped my face in one hand, then slapped, he would have retained more control over me, preventing my instinctive reaction to avoid the blow, allowing him to strike without catching my nose in the way that he did. Had he pushed me against a wall, then slapped, I would not have been able to move away from his hand, and he would not have caught my nose how he did. Had he grabbed a fistful of hair, then slapped, he would have retained complete control over his target, and would not have caught my nose as he did. Had he ordered me to remain motionless, then slapped, I would have held myself still, and my nose would not have been caught so painfully.

As these alternative scenarios course through my mind, the trust I have in M diminishes slightly. The relationship that we are working so hard towards requires great faith on my part, but if I cannot be secure in the knowledge that his hits are controlled and well thought out, how can I trust him with other, potentially more risky decisions? Doubt begins to creep in.

Does he know the "proper" way to slap someone? Have we made it this far without injury by pure luck? Does he know the right way to cane? To whip? Does he know not to strike here, to watch for this, and to be careful of that?

As these questions circle I can feel myself withdrawing, shrinking away from the warm, happy, safe place that I was in. Feelings of defensiveness and mistrust settle in, and my sweet, loving, girlish mindset slips away.

Explore

2011-10-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

I just finished updating the blogroll on the sidebar. All of the blogs you'll find listed there are authored by women and (a few) men of the subby/slavey/property sort, most of whom are involved in established, self-described D/s, M/s, or O/p style relationships. There are also a few bloggers who are in the process of working towards a relationship of that nature, as well as one or two who are seeking partners to explore such a relationship with. These are blogs that I read often and have benefited from doing so in some manner, and all have been updated at least somewhat recently. Enjoy.

The above images are part of a fashion editorial for Vision Magazine, styled by Taylor Kim using pieces from Dolce & Gabbana, Jil Sanders, Rad Hourani, Maison Martin Margiela, Risto Bimbiloski, Gucci, and others.

Image Source
Michael Donovan, Lua Mayer, Karo Mrozkova, Meritza Veer

Bruised & Beaten

2011-10-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

We wrestled last night, exorcising ourselves of the tensions that had accumulated over the previous week (It was shark week. I was, as usual, a hemorrhaging, hormonal cunt throughout.) and traversing the distance that lay between us due to an OCD-related breakdown that occurred on Saturday. I was physically weak (menstruation will do that to a borderline anemic), but I had endurance and moxie enough to put up a decent fight.

We grappled one another, giggling maniacally as we slapped and punched. As my strength waned I began kicking and scratching, raking my long fingernails down M's arms while he held me pinned to the chair, to the roughly carpeted floor, and to him. I was snarling and nipping, sinking my teeth in to his flesh at every opportunity, leaving behind small, reddened welts and a precise ring of indentations. He yelled, cursed me, slapped my face, twisted my arms, pinched my nipples, and pulled my hair while taunting me. When he finally grew tired of tolerating my attempts to assail him he threw me to the ground and pulled me in to a headlock, rolling on to his back with an arm locked around my neck. I was held tightly, my back firmly against his chest, and any efforts to squirm out of his grip were made in vain. Switching tactics, I snaked one hand in to his shorts, grasped for the loose skin of his testicles, and yanked. I was careful to avoid doing any harm, instead trying to alarm in hopes that he might loosen his hold momentarily, but my plan was not successful. He was unperturbed, seemingly confident that I wouldn't dare to actually injure his balls. Fortunately for him, he was right. My scheme having failed, I gave up soon after, too weak to persist.

Welted, bruised, sore, and bleeding, I staggered to my feet with a goofy grin on my face. I was drained of energy, but the frustrations of the past week were gone. All that remained was love for the man who had soundly kicked my ass.

Online Contact Restrictions

2011-09-30T18:28:00.000-07:00

"Please contact my master before sending me any messages or friend requests."

Anyone who has browsed through profiles on FetLife or similarly BDSM-oriented social networking and dating sites has undoubtedly seen some variation on the above, likely with an excess of both capitalization and exclamation points. Sometimes exemptions are noted for s-types and/or those of the female gender, and quite often one may find this request accompanied by a grammatically erroneous rant about strangers not showing the proper respect for the ~~inefficient and arbitrarily chosen~~ rules of a relationship that said strangers are not involved in. Every time that I encounter this I find myself wondering who decided that the account holder must include that typo-ridden bit in their profile, and why that deciding person decided that this was a rule worth making (and, presumably, enforcing). The entire thing strikes me as being horrendously ineffective and superfluous, and I have yet to encounter an explanation regarding its purpose that makes much sense to me.

One of the most commonly cited reasons for requiring people to contact an s-type's dominant, master, or owner prior to contacting the s-type is, "for protection." What is never elaborated upon is why protection of any sort is necessary when interacting with people online. Even the most intimidating and profane email is just an email. If its contents are unsettling delete, block, and report functions are always available, as is the option to log off and step away from the computer. One is not obligated to read or respond to every message received, after all, and any adult who is successfully using the internet should be aware of this by now. If an s-type truly needs to be protected from text on a computer screen, well...perhaps that s-type might be better off without a non-private profile on a widely used social networking site, eh? Furthermore, even if, for the sake of argument, it is assumed that protection from the meanies on the internet is necessary, is requiring strangers to jump through hoops to obtain permission to communicate with the oh-so-fragile s-type effective in providing that protection? Assholes will be assholes, and even bolded fonts cannot prevent that. If someone wishes to send Miss Fragile Subby a rude, threatening message they will not be dissuaded by a sentence that orders them to ask her dominant first. Alternatively, someone who desires to cause conflict and upset in Miss Fragile's life may opt to comply with these sorts of demands initially, only to show their meanie head colors once trust has been earned and information gained under the pretense of nice, respectful internet friend who follows the rules. In short, requesting that people on the internet contact Miss Fragile's dominant before contacting her will fail to eliminate both the harmless meanies and the legitimately problematic assholes, and it does not provide any protection that I can perceive.

Does Miss Fragile Subby's Facebook profile include a line about how Mr. Strong Dom would prefer that you contact him before sending her a message? Probably not, particularly if that Facebook profile is viewed by vanilla friends, family members, and coworkers. The vanillas wouldn't "get" it. On a site like FetLife, however, surely everyone would get it? Not so much. FetLife is not devoted solely to those involved in D/s, M/s, or O/p relationships. It is a site for kinksters of all stripes, including those who are utterly unfamiliar with and uninterested in power exchange relationships and the trappings that commonly accompany those sorts of relationships. The masochist who merely enjoys a sound beating from time to time may not understand your M/s relationship or the restrictive rules and requirements that surround it, nor should the masochist be expected to. Demanding that someone outside of your relationship adhere to and abide by the rules and restrictions of your relationship is inappropriate, in my opinion, and arrogant to boot. Requiring a stranger to obtain permission from Mr. Strong Dom before speaking to Miss Fragile is essentially requiring a stranger to actively submit to Mr. Strong and his decrees. I am baffled by how many people expect this active submission from virtual strangers, and I am still more baffled at the high level of umbrage taken when a stranger does not submit.

What I find to be the most inexplicable aspect of the whole 'ask my master if you can message me' nonsense is the sheer inefficiency of it. Sure, I could message Mr. Strong Dom to ask for his blessing and permission to speak with the precious Miss Fragile, wait a few hours to a few weeks for his response, and then, if the response is favorable, send a message to Miss Fragile herself and wait another several hours to weeks to hear back from her, but the entire process is rather drawn out and cumbersome if I simply want to ask a question or compliment something that she posted. If Mr. Strong put those brain cells to work, however, he might realize that the whole clumsy ordeal could mitigated significantly with only minor alterations. He could retract his requirement that people wanting to communicate with his precious obtain his permission first, and instead implement a rule that Miss Fragile is responsible for notifying him of any correspondence received. This would allow Mr. Strong to continue screening Miss Fragile's contacts and "protecting" her from the meanies, while also transferring the onus of Miss Fragile's restrictions to Miss Fragile alone, eliminating any demands of submission or hoop jumping from strangers, and drastically simplifying the process for all involved. Granting himself unfettered access to Miss Fragile's various accounts would serve the same purpose, and would simplify the process even further.

People are welcome to do as they like, of course. If your dominant wishes to have people seek his permission before they contact you, or if your slave is required to ignore any correspondence not authorized by you in advance, that is your business. If the both of you are content with this, so be it. That said, I do hope that the extent of the implications of rules of this nature are fully understood. I am interested in hearing from those who disagree with my opinions on this topic should anyone care to respond.

Image Source

Hobbled

2011-09-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Jiri Ruzek

Pony Girl

2011-09-18T03:38:00.000-07:00

Image Source

What Are You Reading?

2011-09-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

I learned to read at a young age, and I have been devouring books, magazines, newspapers, pamphlets, cereal boxes, whatever I can get my hands on, ever since. Discovering the internet and, subsequently, blogs, was momentous for me. Personal blogs provide a unique, intriguing, and often enlightening snapshot in to the lives, experiences, and perspectives of others. In the process of shaping various aspects of my life, including the pursuit of what M and I have deemed our ideal relationship, I have found them to play an almost indispensable role.

As of late I find myself seeking out the blogs of those involved in relationships similar to my own with increasing frequency, and I am curious what those who read my blog are reading and would recommend. What are your favorite D/s, M/s, or O/p oriented personal blogs? Do you have one of your own?

Howard Chandler Christy, Nude Woman Reading

Chained Torso

2011-09-17T02:46:00.001-07:00

Image Source
Mikhail Nekrasov

I've Joined Twitter

2011-09-16T06:42:00.001-07:00

You're welcome to follow me.

There will be nudity.

Image Source

Media Militia

Loud Noises

2011-09-16T04:53:00.000-07:00

My family is loud. Despite being partially deaf in both ears, I associate noise with my family more than anything else. My mother is one of those people whose normal speaking voice sounds like most people's raised voices. Her raised voice is roughly equivalent to a shout, and her shouts are nothing short of thunderous. She is quick to yell, whether very upset or not at all, sprinkling 'fucks,' 'shitheads,' and 'assholes' liberally throughout her speech. This sets the tone for the rest of the household; even the dogs talk back at my parents' house. The four of us kids learned quickly that the only surefire way to get noticed in our busy, noisy, chaotic home was to be louder than the rest. Consequently, I do not perceive shouting and cursing as being inherently indicative of anger or some other upset, nor do I assume that someone yelling at me is necessarily upset with me. When someone says, "fuck off," I do not always immediately conclude that they actually want me to fuck off, because I often use the same phrase to express a variety of other sentiments, including acquiescing to M. M, for his part, understands that, "fuck off," does not inevitably carry with it disrespect, vitriol, or anything of that sort, and he reacts accordingly (read: by nodding in agreement and telling me to bend over). That being said, he is unimpressed by hearing curses fly from my mouth when I am incensed with something pertaining to him, regardless of how many times I can say 'fuck' in a single breath. In our recent discussions about modifying the manner in which we deal with conflict between us, M has made noises about making me choose either just yelling or just cursing per a single argument or fight (sometimes he really cramps my style). He has also made noises about requiring all my yelling or cursing be done from a kneeling position, but that is far from finalized, so we will see.

Image Source
Wandeclayt M., Submission I

Hooked

2011-09-16T03:38:00.000-07:00

Image Source

Breast Bondage

2011-09-15T02:36:00.000-07:00

Breast bondage rarely appeals to me. I dislike the usual style of it, lengths of rope twisted tightly around the circumference of a woman's tits, causing them to bulge and swell. It is almost painful to look upon. This, however, appeals.

Image Source
Mikhail Nekrasov

Want

2011-09-14T03:43:00.000-07:00

I want a girl to flog too...

Image Source

Stripes

2011-09-13T02:33:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Miss Red

Time

2011-09-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

Image Source

Fetish Fashion Shoot

2011-09-11T03:13:00.000-07:00

Styled by Karl Templer, this spread for Interview Magazine features pieces from Vuitton, McQueen, Armani, Calvin Klein, Yves Saint Laurent, and Stella McCartney, among others, including leather harnesses from Zana Bayne.

Image Source
Marcus Piggott, Mert Alas

How Do You Handle Conflict In Your D/s, M/s, or O/p Relationships?

2011-09-10T15:16:00.000-07:00

M and I handle conflicts a variety of ways, dependent upon a multitude of ever variable factors. Sometimes it involves calm, rational discussion, sometimes shouts and tears, but regardless of how conflict is resolved I find that, by the conclusion, I feel as though I have lost hold of that "owned" mindset that seems to be so crucial to my ability to submit to M.

When M and I made the decision to incorporate an ongoing D/s dynamic in to our existing relationship there was a great deal of discussion and experimentation with different rules, protocols, and the like. The primary purpose of most of those things was to help me maintain a relatively submissive mindset despite my very unsubmissive personality. For the most part M and I have become proficient in maintaining that mindset, even as we progress to a more M/s or O/p style dynamic, but this is not the case during and after moderate to extreme conflict, even after the conflict has been resolved. This is especially true when the conflict arises in response to an issue that I have regarding M. There is little doubt that this is due to us essentially sidelining the M/s dynamic temporarily, though not explicitly, while dealing with conflict between us. When we began our initial discussions and negotiations regarding what would be expected with the addition of a D/s dynamic we failed to address conflict situations. We were kept busy with other, more easily dealt with aspects of the relationship and it seemed risky to also alter our manner of dealing with interpersonal conflict at the same time. We are now long overdue to establish a method of fighting and arguing without kinda-sorta-but-not-really putting the M/s dynamic aside, and the prospect of working out the logistics of this are daunting. We are working on coming up with our own solutions at present, but I have been struggling to come up with seemingly feasible options.

I am very interested in hearing whatever input readers might have, whether it is specific to my current situation or simply an explanation of how such things are handled within your relationships, past or present.

Image Source

Stealing Husbands

2011-09-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

So...I'm browsing FetLife, checking out different groups and such. I stumble upon one that is geared specifically for women who are in relationships with married men. I'm an idiot...Let's just get that out of the way here...I accidentally joined the group, thus notifying everyone on my friends list I am a husband thief. Oops.

Secured

2011-09-01T00:47:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Marcus J. Ranum

Fetishy Fall Fashions

2011-08-31T12:04:00.000-07:00

Much of this autumn's fashion draws heavily from BDSM culture. Corseted bodices, over-the-knee black leather boots, and locking jewelry are "in," and numerous designers have incorporated these types of pieces in to their fall collections to some degree or another.

Louis Vuitton's interpretation of BDSM fashion is among the most literal that I've seen. Here is a shot from the autumn 2011 runway show. Note the handbag, a clutch with a brass handcuff.

This model from the Vuitton show wears handcuffs and an underbust corset.

Vuitton's fall collection also includes this silk and wool dress. The print features, among other things, a single-tailed whip.

Chains and padlocks can be found on several of John Galliano's autumn shoes.

The Alexander McQueen collection for fall, even more overtly fetishistic than the Louis Vuitton collection, showcases lace-up boots of varying heights, along with an abundance of leather, straps, fishnet, and corsets.

Accessorizing with handcuffs is currently fashionable, and several designers have shown necklaces that are reminiscent of slave collars. Jack Vartanian handcuff bracelet and Michael Kors metal cuffs below.

The piece on the left is very posture collar, no?

Betony Vernon's designs fit in well with the season's styles and can be seen on the runways this fall, though kinksters will appreciate her collections regardless of trends.

Reminder

2011-08-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Trish Goff

Relaxation, Finally

2011-08-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

Today is my first day of summer vacation. It feels glorious.

I slept in, but only a bit. I was up within an hour after M left for work, and less than two hours later I had completed my morning chores. The kitchen is clean, the bed made, the house tidy. The animals are fed and watered, and all that remains for me to do is cycle through one more load of laundry.

The last hour has been spent idly catching up on my favorite blogs. Bright rays of sunlight are streaming through the windows in the study, beckoning to me. After M's lunch break I intend to slip in to a thong, make a tall, cold drink, and spend my afternoon paging through the September issue of Elle while lying in the sunshine.

Image Source
Hedi Slimane, Abbey Lee Kershar

Shared

2011-08-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Corwin Prescott, Vaunt

The Housekeeper

2011-08-01T05:26:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Wolfgang Zajc

Deprivation

2011-07-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Lord Morpheous

Taste

2011-07-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Wolfgang Jajc

Visitor

2011-07-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

Image Source

Tom Munro, Aymeline Valade

Exhaustion

2011-07-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

Life has been chaotic, stressful, and exhausting as of late. I am rarely without something that needs doing, and never for long. This hour is the first in a week or more that I have had entirely to myself, and I am almost too drained, physically and mentally, to think. Upcoming financial burdens, an overload of school work, health issues concerning the cats, health issues pertaining to M, insurance problems, and the usual demands of life have both M and I stretched to our limits. Our relationship is definitely feeling the strain. We are fighting more often than I feel is healthy, invariably due to simple misunderstandings or poor word choices and increased sensitivity. It is taking a toll and adding to the overall stress. Fortunately, at least a few of the factors driving that stress will be dealt with within a month or so. It is simply a matter of biding our time until things settle down a bit.

Kitten

2011-06-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Remember when I said I would be able to get back to posting here after finals had been completed? That was before a homeless and pound-bound kitten was thrust in to my arms. She is a tiny little thing, a ball of black and white fluff, and she requires almost constant attention. Managing her and our two other cats, a mildly cantankerous male and an anxious, formerly feral female, has been tasking. Managing diplomatic relations between the three will likely keep me from writing much, at least for another week or so. By then I'll be back in school, but as I will only be taking one class over the summer quarter it shouldn't be too difficult to find time to blog frequently.

It has been a fairly stressful week. I had envisioned doing a great deal of nothing and working on my tan for the most part, but the newest member of our household threw a wrench in to that. Neither M or I slept well the first few nights that we had the kitten, and we were both running on minimal sleep. I was also Coke-less, having decided only the week prior to give my usual two to four cans of Coca-Cola per day habit a break, as I periodically do. Had I known a kitten would be moving in I would have definitely delayed making that decision! The lack of caffeine made it difficult to function well and my OCD was exacerbated by the messes that kittens cause. By Wednesday evening, however, M had restocked our Coke supply, and on Thursday he and I worked together to get the house and the kitten clean. He and I are also sleeping better, and I am in much better spirits than I had been earlier in the week, when I was feeling tired, stressed, and a bit overwhelmed.

M had a decidedly "off" day this week, as well. He instructed me to take a multivitamin, thinking that the smoothie I had just finished would suffice to prevent the high amounts of iron in the multivitamin from causing me nausea, as it is prone to doing. He was wrong. I need something a bit more solid in my stomach to be effective, and within moments of taking the multivitamin that was made quite clear to the both of us. Vomit went everywhere, including out of my nose. It was very sexy, both to watch and to experience, as you might imagine. On the same day M also managed to pour water down my front while offering me a sip from his glass and elbow me multiple times in the chest, among other things. It was a long day for the both of us.

Image Source

Studying

2011-06-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

Finals begin Monday. I should be back to posting more regularly once they are completed.

Image Source

The First Event

2011-05-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

Several weeks ago M and I attended our first BDSM-oriented event, a series of classes taught by a very engaging and enthusiastic Lee Harrington. M's schedule permitted us to participate in two of the four classes that were held over the course of a weekend, one that focused primarily on hypnotism and one that centered around the numerous and varied ways that people might serve their partners, be it a slave performing domestic tasks for her master, the sensations that a skilled sadist dispenses to a masochistic partner, or the manner in which one might provide for their human property. Both classes were interesting and informative, the former inflaming an existing interest in mind control in M and the latter giving each of us a myriad of new perspectives and ideas to mull and discuss with one another. A series of illuminating conversations between M and I followed in the days after, sparked by the array of concepts and suggestions that Lee offered. This, alone, ensured that attending was well worth the expense, even on our relatively narrow budget, and it has innervated our interest in similar events in the future.

Lee Harrington's series of classes was not our first encounter with the local BDSM "community," as it were. We had previously attended a meeting dedicated to the planning of the Lee Harrington event, allowing us our first opportunity to meet a few of the area's other kinksters. Nearly everyone that we spoke to at both the meeting and the actual event were friendly and welcoming, and we even garnered an open invitation to one particularly helpful member of the group's private weekly play parties, though this semester's course load has prevented us from seriously entertaining the idea of attending one thus far. In spite of the genial welcome that was received, however, I could not help feeling a bit out of place. At both the planning meeting and the event itself I was the youngest person in attendance, and aside from a mutual interest in deviant sexual practices and alternative relationship styles I found little other common ground with those few who I spoke to. Regardless, I greatly appreciated the candid, comfortable attitudes that prevailed. It is refreshing to be surrounded by people with no fear of speaking openly about sex, kink, and alternative relationships, and is reason enough to occasionally attend future events.

Image Source

Friends

2011-05-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

M is truly my best friend. My world centers around him. He is, without a single doubt, my closest confidant and my most trusted ally. There are others whom I am close to, a few friends I have known since elementary school, my mother, a couple of former coworkers, but I no longer depend upon these people like I once did. M satisfactorily fills most of the various roles that they had previously occupied in my life. I still appreciate them, of course, and I don't adore them any less, but when I need advice, a sounding board, or a shoulder to lean on M is nearly always the one I turn to. It simply makes more sense to seek him out. He lives with me. He, overall, knows me better than any of them do. He is involved in, aware of, and in control of virtually everything that occurs in my life, from the substantial, important things to the day-to-day minutiae. With M it isn't necessary to play catch up before getting in to what I really want to discuss. His sweeping knowledge about all aspects of my life make it easier for him to make connections and suggestions that others cannot. Even the process of conversation is more efficient with M. Less explanation and clarification is necessary for him to fully comprehend what I am trying to say and we have developed a verbal shorthand of sorts that makes communication quicker. M "gets" me in a way that other do not, in way that others simply cannot.

There are occasions when I must turn to someone other than M. Most common are the times that I wish to talk to someone, but M is at work and unavailable to me. Other times I know that M won't have the answers. Inquiries about menstrual cups, for example, are better posed to friends in possession of a vagina. Encounters with former classmates or teachers are of more interest to friends who attended school with me than they are to M, who has likely never met these past acquaintances and educators. Family gossip is best discussed with my mother, as few others are aware of the nuanced history of each of our many extended family members. Although M is my primary source of support, other sources are of immense value as well.

I am fortunate to have the network in place that I do, but as of late I have found myself wishing for an addition or two, specifically someone who is familiar with BDSM and has experience with non-egalitarian relationship dynamics. Though I am in regular or semi-regular contact with several other kinksters, none of these people have been involved in a D/s, M/s, or O/p relationship. This makes it very difficult for them to fully understand the issues that I encounter within my relationship with M. Discussing a shared love for restraints or a mutual interest in flogging is all well and good, but there is no need to converse on these things. Working through the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that arise within me as a result of the nature of my relationship, however, is something that I feel a need for, but I lack a friend I can do so with. I do not have anyone to turn to if I am struggling with some aspect of submitting to M. Even just venting about disagreements between M and I is trying when the person I am talking to does not really understand our dynamic, let along the trials that are encountered on my side of the slash. Perhaps, if I continue to extend myself as I have in the past few weeks, I will encounter what I hope to find in the relatively near future.

Image Source
Lovis Corinth, Der Harem

Come

2011-05-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

Image Source

Bondage Eternal

2011-05-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

Image Source
lanulove, Bondage Eternal

Social Anxiety

2011-05-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

I am extremely introverted. Interacting with anyone aside from M, including even relatively close friends and family members, is very stressful and leaves me feeling quite drained. One-on-one interactions are most tolerable for me. Engaging with large groups or strangers is exceedingly difficult, and dealing with large groups of strangers is a daunting, depleting experience.

The first signs of social anxiety begin to occur in the hours immediately prior to leaving for whatever party, dinner, class, or event that I am planning to attend, most often while I am preparing to leave. I can feel my body become increasingly tense and my temperature rises slightly. My thoughts begin to race frantically, even more than is typical (only meditation or depressive drugs can bring my conscious mind to a temporary full stop), and my blood pressure increases. My obsessive-compulsive behaviors surface as my anxiety continues to swell. I may repeatedly adjust my clothing, such as the waistband of my pants or the straps of my bra, focusing on placing them just "right." I might brush my hair vigorously, in a set pattern, over and over until it is exactly how it "should" be. Sometimes clutter or messes in the house will catch my notice and I will dwell upon the cat hair in the corner or the books and papers spread across the coffee table. Until whatever it is that I am fixating on is "perfect" I am unable to relax and focus on getting ready to go. M, if he is present, is a tremendous help. His presence has a stabilizing, calming effect on me and he is quick to deal with whatever I am obsessing over if there is anything that he can do about it. If nothing is getting fixed "correctly," be it my hair failing to fall just so after brushing it several times or a lack of time preventing me from wiping the crumbs off of the dining room table, panic sets in and, sometimes, hysteria. My thoughts race, my heart pounds, and I experience what feels to me like hot flashes, which may cause me to sweat. Other things that aren't exactly how they should be are quick to snag my attention, giving me even more to obsess about. It is not entirely uncommon for things to devolve completely from here, leaving me unable to walk out the door. More often, though, I am able to pull myself together eventually, especially when whatever I am intending to do is not something that I can afford to miss.

Once I am actually on the road to where I am going the anxiety subsides a bit. I can focus on my driving, essentially allowing less of my mind to be used for freaking out. The tension in my body eases a bit, my temperature and blood pressure decrease, and I stop, at least for a time, fixating on perceived imperfections. After arriving at my destination, however, the tension is usually quick to return, as are the racing thoughts, feelings of panic, high blood pressure, and rises in temperature. Whether or not these things persist and, if they do, how long they persist for varies wildly depending upon what I encounter at my destination. Sometimes the entire ordeal will be rife with panic and anxiety, other times I will feel fairly comfortable soon after my arrival and will be capable of relaxing some. Most often I experience something between the two.

My ability to interact with others is at times quite limited. I turn inward, shying away from interactions, remaining a bit removed from things, and staying mostly silent. Some perceive me as being disinterested or aloof during these times, but I am really just trying to minimize my stress and anxiety levels. On other occasions, however, I display virtually no indication of the stress that I am experiencing and am able to socialize quite effectively, even enjoying myself. I imagine that it is confusing for others to see me at one extreme, then later at the other extreme, particularly when they occur within the space of an hour or so, which is not uncommon. Even if I am able to make myself comfortable enough to socialize and mingle, there often comes a point where I have simply had enough of doing so and lack the energy necessary to continue. Sometimes it takes a while to hit this point, but at times it arrives all too soon. Once it does there is no going back. I am exhausted, both my mind and body sapped of strength, too tired to continue engaging with others, but also too tired to reach the levels of panic and anxiety that I experienced initially.

The effects of a prolonged or particularly stressful period of socialization may continue in the following days. I will find myself tired, irritable, and more prone to succumbing to other stresses, and placing myself in another social situation is like to be exponentially more difficult than it would be otherwise. In the days immediately following an especially stressful event I isolate myself from the world even more than I already do and I prepare for the possibility of a breakdown of some sort if I encounter even small obstacles or stresses.

I have spoken to my physician, as well as a couple of mental health professionals, about my social anxiety issues and all urged me to consider medication. My nervous system is quite sensitive, however, and substances such as alcohol, caffeine, and medications affect me strongly, much more than they do the average person. In addition, I am more likely than most to experience adverse side effects from virtually every medication I try, be it prescription or over-the-counter. As such, I avoid using medication unless it is absolutely medically necessary. Having an alcoholic drink while preparing to leave or taking a hit or two from my bong are highly effective at calming me enough to disregard the more subtle obsessive-compulsive tendencies, which helps immensely and goes a long way in decreasing my overall anxiety, however, use of those aids is only a possibility when M is available to accompany me and do the driving. They also are not options when I am visiting family or doing something where I will need all of my wits about me and my brain operating at full capacity.

Pinch

2011-05-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

Image Source

Nearly Four Years

2011-05-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

Tuesday will mark the fourth anniversary of my first date with M. Four years may not seem like much to some, but when one is just barely twenty-three years of age, four years is a significant amount of time. We had met a week earlier, M, and I at a party celebrating my nineteenth birthday, and things were made official almost exactly two months after our first date. I had never expected to settle down so soon. My friends are still a bit bewildered that I, of all people, was the one occupying the role of "housewife" by the time I was twenty-one. To be perfectly honest, at times it baffles me. I highly doubt, however, that I would be as healthy or as happy as I am currently without M by my side. We are truly complimentary creatures. He balances me in a way that no one else ever has. I believe that we are both better for being together. I have offered M a sense of purpose, a reason to strive for betterment each day. In return he has gifted me with the stability and freedom that is necessary for me to grow. Our lives center around our relationship. There is nothing else that is so highly prioritized or prized by either of us, and we both feel tremendously fortunate to have found one another. There is nothing to me of more import than simply being his.

Image Source

Oleg V. Semenets

Bunny

2011-04-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

Image Source
Stephen Abraham Walsh, Fawnya Frolic

Harmony

2011-04-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

Shortly after composing my last entry I sent M a long, rambling text detailing, as best as I could given my own confusion, the extent of my frustrations. Almost immediately after he returned home from work in the evening we began to discuss those frustrations, as well as a few of M's. It seems I was not the only one who felt disconnected and uncertain of how to ameliorate the distance that I felt.

We spoke for hours, going over some topics numerous times. Initially, much of the conversation seemed to be going nowhere. We were going in circles and M just didn't seem to understand what I was trying to convey to him, though, in his defense, I wasn't always quite sure myself. After the first hour or so, however, we began making sense to one another. Our thoughts and emotions were being heard by the other person and validated. From there we were able to move on to finding ways to resolve our issues and realign our intentions and goals. There is still a fair amount of work necessary to reach those goals, particularly in regard to increasing the frequency and the depth of our communication, but there has been profound progress in the short time since our discussion concluded and I am optimistic about further improvement.

As mentioned above, there has been a deterioration in the quality of our communication over the last several months. I believe that this is the primary source of the issues that M and I have been facing. Somehow, somewhere, we fell out of our usual habit of over-communicating. M, knowing that school has had me very busy and stressed as of late, has refrained from discussing anything with me that he fears might only serve to add to that stress. I, too, have been holding back on bringing things to M's attention because I know that the last thing he wants or needs is something else to worry about. Unfortunately, in our efforts to spare one another, much has been left unsaid that should not have been and we must now make reparations. As long as we continue talking as we have these last couple of days I think we will do just fine.

Image Source